I have spent the last year or so wishing I was someone else, wishing my circumstances were different, my choices were better, and frankly, that I'd find a thousand bucks. If I had a quarter for every time Shane and I have said "We need...." or "I want...." or, "Someday we will be able to afford....", I wouldn't be saying those things because I would be rolling in it. I'm so tired of money consuming my thought life, leaving me in tears wondering which bills we should pay on time and how we're going to afford an eye infection or clothes for Kynzie. Now, the intention of this post is not at all for sympathy. Our choices have gotten us here, and now we are digging ourselves out of this hole we have created. The first year of our relationship we lived in Shane's grandmother's summer house, paying no rent or utilities. We easily could have been saving hundreds a month. Instead that went toward going out, throwing parties, and getting wasted. We realize we were foolish, and now we have to pay for that. So what do you do when you're so tired of being the one friends offer to pay for, living paycheck to paycheck hoping that at some point you'll get a break, and being unable to save any because not a dime is left over after everything is paid off? I guess you keep on truckin... I'm tired of my fiance' leaving at 6 in the morning and coming home when Makynzie is going to bed. I'm tired of job hunting while my baby is taking her naps. I'm tired of turning friends down for going out even if it's simply driving somewhere because we don't have the gas money. I'm tired of looking around the apartment and trying to figure out what we can sell and do without. And I'm so so tired of crying with Shane and losing sleep over it.
Then I had a reality check. I know it's so cliche', but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" came on tv the other night and I found myself in tears. A family of 9 had just lost their dad to a sudden heart attack and I can't believe the condition of the home they were living in. Only one burner worked on the stove, there was water damage throughout the entire house, and kids were sleeping on the floor. Wow. I did a self-evaluation. Is my situation really that bad? Sure we struggle to pay rent at times, but for 13 months now, not a single bill has been late. So many times I have turned to Shane crying with less than a hundred bucks in the bank and said, "How are we going to make it til next Friday?" But we have. Time and time again, we have. With the help of family and friends, we are surviving and we have no reason not to be happy. We have a happy, healthy baby who adores us, a roof over our head, and food in our bellies every day. I have no idea how we make it each month, but we do and that's what matters. It's ok that we can't go out with our friends, it's ok that we have to look for food deals, and occassionally ask for an extension on a bill. Because that's where we're at right now. Shane is always saying "Katy it won't always be like this." And I have a really hard time believing that. But I need to have hope and believe that it won't. Being thankful is a conscious choice, and from here on out, that's what I am choosing.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Girl
To my #1 Fan,
It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Yourlittle big smiles melt my heart and dim everything else going on around me. You are so precious to me and I have never felt love like this. I would name off your favorite things, but there's only one- Mommy. We certainly have a bond that no one has been able to break. I often get irritated when you don't want any one else to hold you and when you see me from across the room and it's game over. But I shouldn't. I should cherish that. Because if you turn out to be anything like the teenager I was, you won't truly appreciate me again until you're in your twenties. I should consider it my reward. I am wanted and needed, and that's what everyone longs for in life.
I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.
The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.
Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)
I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy
It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Your
I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.
The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.
Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)
I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thangs I've Larn'd
Things I've Learned About Myself:
-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)
- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?
-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.
- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.
- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!
.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.
-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)
- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?
-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.
- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.
- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!
.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Marriage Quiz (in my case we will call it a "Almost-married Quiz")
1. What are your middle names? Earl and Claire. Our parents don't love us.
2. How long have you been together? 2 years
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years
4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me
5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine
6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.
7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix
8. Did you go to the same school? yep
9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.
10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!
12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.
13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.
14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.
15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.
17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair
18. Who hogs the bed? Me again
19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.
20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"
21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.
22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all
23. Who eats more? Me
24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.
25. Who does the laundry? Me.
26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane
27. Who drives when you are together? Shane
28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together
29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)
31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us
32. Who eats more sweets? Shane
33. Who is more adventurous? Me
34. Who is more romantic? both of us
35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"
36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between
2. How long have you been together? 2 years
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years
4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me
5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine
6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.
7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix
8. Did you go to the same school? yep
9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.
10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!
12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.
13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.
14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.
15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.
17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair
18. Who hogs the bed? Me again
19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.
20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"
21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.
22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all
23. Who eats more? Me
24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.
25. Who does the laundry? Me.
26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane
27. Who drives when you are together? Shane
28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together
29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)
31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us
32. Who eats more sweets? Shane
33. Who is more adventurous? Me
34. Who is more romantic? both of us
35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"
36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between
Friday, May 27, 2011
Crying it Out
My life the past 10 weeks has been a blur. When I was 36 weeks pregnant I was just ready to get the show on the road. I was thinking of hobbies I could start once baby girl got here, because I thought I would be so bored. HA! Then 2 weeks after she was born I found myself bawling over her saying "I'm sorry Kynzie I don't know what to do for you, I'm so sorry (blubber blubber blubber)"I hated my new role as Mommy. Having kids had been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. And it wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I was responding to her every cry. I was going all day without eating, peeing, and having a baby in my arms at all times. Which I never saw coming because when I was a nanny to the twins at only 2 months old, I let them cry it out piece of cake! Yea well... not so easy when it's my own "perfect little angel" who can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes.
A few weeks ago I decided enough was enough. I couldn't function like this any longer. I wasn't getting sleep for days on end, and I was hungry. :) I had NO control over my 7 week old daughter and she was calling the shots. So I let her cry in the crib as I sobbed while I did the dishes and tried to keep busy. At the time she had blood in her stool (which we have now figured out was the dairy in my diet. So long dairy!) and I decided after a day of letting her cry that it didn't feel right to me while she was having a health problem. So we stopped.
Well, since then the blood is gone and Shane has been begging me to try it again. So yesterday morning when she was fussing on her play mat and immediately stopped when I picked her up, I realized she had learned cause and effect. It's now very obvious that she knows "If I cry, Mommy picks me up." So back to crying it out we go! After crying for 15 minutes yesterday, she slept an hour and a half. And I too, am doing surprisingly well with it. Shane only held me once while I sobbed. :) I pee when I need to, I eat when I'm hungry, dinner is on the table when Shane gets home, the apartment is back to sparkling clean, and I am the parent in control. She cried for 10 minutes this morning and slept for 45. I decided when the nap starts, and I decide when it ends. Her schedule is flexible but is usually:
7am first feeding, wake time for 1 hour, down for a nap.
10am feeding, wake time, nap
1pm feeding, wake time, nap
4pm feeding, wake time, nap
7pm feeding, down for bed
9pm feeding, back to bed
and then I feed every 3 hours if she needs it until morning.
Every 10 minutes I go in, kiss her, tell her I love her, and walk out. Then after 40 minutes if she is still crying, I check her diaper, burp her, and lay her back down.
I have my sanity back and though it's hard to hear her cry, it's best that she learns to soothe herself to sleep. So glad I tried it. I now LOVE being her mommy and am enjoying every single second with her. :)
A few weeks ago I decided enough was enough. I couldn't function like this any longer. I wasn't getting sleep for days on end, and I was hungry. :) I had NO control over my 7 week old daughter and she was calling the shots. So I let her cry in the crib as I sobbed while I did the dishes and tried to keep busy. At the time she had blood in her stool (which we have now figured out was the dairy in my diet. So long dairy!) and I decided after a day of letting her cry that it didn't feel right to me while she was having a health problem. So we stopped.
Well, since then the blood is gone and Shane has been begging me to try it again. So yesterday morning when she was fussing on her play mat and immediately stopped when I picked her up, I realized she had learned cause and effect. It's now very obvious that she knows "If I cry, Mommy picks me up." So back to crying it out we go! After crying for 15 minutes yesterday, she slept an hour and a half. And I too, am doing surprisingly well with it. Shane only held me once while I sobbed. :) I pee when I need to, I eat when I'm hungry, dinner is on the table when Shane gets home, the apartment is back to sparkling clean, and I am the parent in control. She cried for 10 minutes this morning and slept for 45. I decided when the nap starts, and I decide when it ends. Her schedule is flexible but is usually:
7am first feeding, wake time for 1 hour, down for a nap.
10am feeding, wake time, nap
1pm feeding, wake time, nap
4pm feeding, wake time, nap
7pm feeding, down for bed
9pm feeding, back to bed
and then I feed every 3 hours if she needs it until morning.
Every 10 minutes I go in, kiss her, tell her I love her, and walk out. Then after 40 minutes if she is still crying, I check her diaper, burp her, and lay her back down.
I have my sanity back and though it's hard to hear her cry, it's best that she learns to soothe herself to sleep. So glad I tried it. I now LOVE being her mommy and am enjoying every single second with her. :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Makynzie's Birth Story
Whew, this is going to be difficult to recall and type out. Not only because I have a sleeping newborn in my lap, but also because I am a basket case of emotions today. But I have a lot of people asking for Kynzie's birth story and I know I will want to remember it all someday so I need to type it out while I can still remember the details. So here goes...
Though I'm not completely positive exactly when I went into labor, I want to say it was Monday night. I went to bed experiencing dull contractions. They didn't hurt, but my belly would tighten up and get as hard as a rock. At the time I had no idea they were contractions. I was texting Jennifer Kehoe and Jen Quirk telling them exactly what I was feeling and what I should do about it. I was telling myself over & over again that they weren't the real thing and the true test would be going to sleep and seeing if they kept me up or if I could sleep through them. I totally slept through them. Shane and I were so disappointed the next morning. I went through the next day having contractions anywhere from one minute to thirty minutes apart. They still didn't hurt. When they went away I would get super upset. I was so tired of being pregnant. They continued through the night and then Wednesday they got pretty intense. I was scheduled to be induced that night so Shane took the day off so he could clean and get the apartment ready for the baby and his family. At this point they felt like much more than an intense period cramp. My entire belly would get so hard that it wasn't round when I was contracting, it was a square and I remember joking with Shane about it. They got to be pretty painful and started coming much closer together, though still random. I told Shane I thought we should go to the doctor because I had a feeling it was the real thing though I still wasn't sure. Ya know how they say "Oh you'll know when it's the real thing."? Yea.... I never did. We went to the doctor and she confirmed that I was in "early, early labor" but I was still completely closed. She told us to go home and walk like crazy to get things progressing and come back in at 4:00. We went out to eat at a nearby Mexican restaurant and I remember saying to Shane "Isn't it crazy I'm in labor right now and no one in this room knows??! I wonder how often that happens!" Then we went home, walked, I showered, cleaned, hung out with Shane's sister, etc. We went back in and much to my disappointment, I had made zero progress. They told me we would keep the induction appointment at 6:30. So we went home again and this time got our bags and loaded up the car.
We were so excited on our way to the hospital. I remember Shane being super giddy talking to the nurses and hospital staff as I checked in. We finally got our room and waited about an hour for the nurse to come in. She said that around 9pm we would start a foley bulb. The plan was that I would get the foley bulb and then some Ambien so that I could get a good night's sleep as they were going to start the Pitocin in the morning. They put in the bulb (surprisingly it didn't hurt at all) and they said they would bring me the Ambien whenever I was ready for it. I wanted to make it til at least 10:30 so that I could see the new "16 and Pregnant" episode. :) It got to be about 10:00 and I was having horrible back pain. I asked the nurse for something for the pain. She gave it to me, and let me tell ya, I was high as a kite. It felt like I had just smoked a bowl. Shane and I played Phase 10 and I tried my best to act coherent. I knocked out after a couple hours and the nurse said it was too late to do Ambien because I would be too hungover in the morning. I woke up at about 2am and there was NO going back to sleep. I was having insane back pain and my contractions were really starting to hurt. The nurse came back in at 5am (after not checking on me all night) and said we may as well start the Pitocin if I was awake anyway. So they started me on a really low dose. At this point I was in a looooot of pain. They took me off the Pit because I was making enough progress on my own.
By 8am I was in ridiculous pain. My mom came to lend support. She held one hand while Shane held the other. I am a complete wimp so I'm still surprised how calm I stayed during my contractions. I concentrated hard on my breathing. I need to add that Shane was an amazing coach. My coping mechanism was to breathe in long and slow, and like an owl, say "oooooooo" as I breathed out. I probably sounded ridiculous. I remember looking at Shane and asking him if he thought I should keep going naturally or get the epidural so I could enjoy our daughter's labor. I decided to get the epi. And later thanked GOD I did. I was completely pain-free til about 2pm. Shane and I played Phase 10, watched tv, and joked around during that time. But around 2pm I started having excruciating back pain. I mean the worst pain I could ever imagine. So they started a bolus a few times to help me through the pain. And they helped but the pain was still unbearable. I was holding tightly onto Shane and my mom and crying and screaming through the back pain.
Finally my nurse came in at about 9pm and checked me one last time. I was 7cm but Kynzie still hadn't come down the birth canal and was sunny side up. She was facing my pubic bone instead of my butt and I was spiking a fever. The midwife gave me two options, "You can wait another hour and see if she turns and comes down. And if she doesn't, you'll have an emergency C-section and she will have to be in the NICU for a couple days. Or you can just have a C-section right now." So we decided on the C-section right then. Shane was so terrified of surgery that he started bawling. I had had surgery several times in the past and was just ready to get the baby out and be out of pain. They told me I wouldn't feel anything but pressure during the procedure. They said my surgeon would be the one on call and that he was a big teddy bear and known for how kind and gentle he was. Apparently his other job was artificially inseminating gorillas at the zoo. No joke. So he came in to meet us and we loved him. He was a big black dude with braces and very sweet. :)
They rolled me back to the operating room and during this time Shane got all suited up to come back with me. Poor guy was scared to death and he had to wait for them to prep me for at least 15 minutes. They laid me down stark naked on a super thin operating table. I'm talkin, I felt like if I sneezed, my gigantic pregnant self would roll of the table. It was so awkward laying there in the nude with my arms straight out on each side. Not to mention my legs were still completely numb. They increased the epidural until I could no longer feel the coldness of the alcohol pad on my belly. They finally brought Shane in and he was still super nervous. He kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed anything. I was all smiles because I was just ready to get this baby out of me, and I knew I needed to act strong and completely carefree for Shane. I remember my back pain staying consistent up until the second I felt her pull them out of me. And boy did I feel it. Through the whole surgery I felt pulling, tugging, and horrible pressure on my chest as they pushed her down to pull her out. I can still remember what it felt like when they got her head out. The whole time I had an awesome nurse behind me explaining everything they were doing. I don't know what I would have done without her. I remember her saying "She's out! She's gorgeous." And I kept asking her if Kynzie was ok.
Finally I heard my sweet daughter's cry and started crying myself. Shane said "Katy do you need me to stay here with you or can I go look at her?" and I told him I was fine he could go look at her. My only complaint at that time was the epidural was making my shoulders shake violently and it gave me a horrible knot in my shoulder blade that was throbbing. Shane came back pouring tears with a picture of her on his phone and said "Katy she's beautiful. She's perfect. And she has.....red... hair?" haha. She was blonde, but the blood in her hair made it look strawberry blonde. They brought her over to Shane and he held her cheek against mine. I'll be honest. I was just ready to get off the operating table and get my shoulder to stop throbbing. It took them about 20 minutes to stitch me back up and it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. They wheeled me back to my room and said Kynzie should be bathed and back there by the time we got there. Wrong. We had to wait about an hour and a half. Shane was so impatient, he was asking the nurse if she could go tell them to hurry up. He was mad that it was taking them that long. I really didn't mind at the time because I was still shaking so bad from the meds that I knew I wouldn't be able to hold her for a while. But they eventually brought her in and I forced myself to stop shaking so I could hold her.
At that time I cried over the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I had been in labor for 38 hours and my sweet Makynzie Jude was finally in my arms. I love her so much it hurts.
Makynzie Jude Wilkinson
8 lbs. 20 1/2 inches.
3/16/11 10:07pm
Though I'm not completely positive exactly when I went into labor, I want to say it was Monday night. I went to bed experiencing dull contractions. They didn't hurt, but my belly would tighten up and get as hard as a rock. At the time I had no idea they were contractions. I was texting Jennifer Kehoe and Jen Quirk telling them exactly what I was feeling and what I should do about it. I was telling myself over & over again that they weren't the real thing and the true test would be going to sleep and seeing if they kept me up or if I could sleep through them. I totally slept through them. Shane and I were so disappointed the next morning. I went through the next day having contractions anywhere from one minute to thirty minutes apart. They still didn't hurt. When they went away I would get super upset. I was so tired of being pregnant. They continued through the night and then Wednesday they got pretty intense. I was scheduled to be induced that night so Shane took the day off so he could clean and get the apartment ready for the baby and his family. At this point they felt like much more than an intense period cramp. My entire belly would get so hard that it wasn't round when I was contracting, it was a square and I remember joking with Shane about it. They got to be pretty painful and started coming much closer together, though still random. I told Shane I thought we should go to the doctor because I had a feeling it was the real thing though I still wasn't sure. Ya know how they say "Oh you'll know when it's the real thing."? Yea.... I never did. We went to the doctor and she confirmed that I was in "early, early labor" but I was still completely closed. She told us to go home and walk like crazy to get things progressing and come back in at 4:00. We went out to eat at a nearby Mexican restaurant and I remember saying to Shane "Isn't it crazy I'm in labor right now and no one in this room knows??! I wonder how often that happens!" Then we went home, walked, I showered, cleaned, hung out with Shane's sister, etc. We went back in and much to my disappointment, I had made zero progress. They told me we would keep the induction appointment at 6:30. So we went home again and this time got our bags and loaded up the car.
We were so excited on our way to the hospital. I remember Shane being super giddy talking to the nurses and hospital staff as I checked in. We finally got our room and waited about an hour for the nurse to come in. She said that around 9pm we would start a foley bulb. The plan was that I would get the foley bulb and then some Ambien so that I could get a good night's sleep as they were going to start the Pitocin in the morning. They put in the bulb (surprisingly it didn't hurt at all) and they said they would bring me the Ambien whenever I was ready for it. I wanted to make it til at least 10:30 so that I could see the new "16 and Pregnant" episode. :) It got to be about 10:00 and I was having horrible back pain. I asked the nurse for something for the pain. She gave it to me, and let me tell ya, I was high as a kite. It felt like I had just smoked a bowl. Shane and I played Phase 10 and I tried my best to act coherent. I knocked out after a couple hours and the nurse said it was too late to do Ambien because I would be too hungover in the morning. I woke up at about 2am and there was NO going back to sleep. I was having insane back pain and my contractions were really starting to hurt. The nurse came back in at 5am (after not checking on me all night) and said we may as well start the Pitocin if I was awake anyway. So they started me on a really low dose. At this point I was in a looooot of pain. They took me off the Pit because I was making enough progress on my own.
By 8am I was in ridiculous pain. My mom came to lend support. She held one hand while Shane held the other. I am a complete wimp so I'm still surprised how calm I stayed during my contractions. I concentrated hard on my breathing. I need to add that Shane was an amazing coach. My coping mechanism was to breathe in long and slow, and like an owl, say "oooooooo" as I breathed out. I probably sounded ridiculous. I remember looking at Shane and asking him if he thought I should keep going naturally or get the epidural so I could enjoy our daughter's labor. I decided to get the epi. And later thanked GOD I did. I was completely pain-free til about 2pm. Shane and I played Phase 10, watched tv, and joked around during that time. But around 2pm I started having excruciating back pain. I mean the worst pain I could ever imagine. So they started a bolus a few times to help me through the pain. And they helped but the pain was still unbearable. I was holding tightly onto Shane and my mom and crying and screaming through the back pain.
Finally my nurse came in at about 9pm and checked me one last time. I was 7cm but Kynzie still hadn't come down the birth canal and was sunny side up. She was facing my pubic bone instead of my butt and I was spiking a fever. The midwife gave me two options, "You can wait another hour and see if she turns and comes down. And if she doesn't, you'll have an emergency C-section and she will have to be in the NICU for a couple days. Or you can just have a C-section right now." So we decided on the C-section right then. Shane was so terrified of surgery that he started bawling. I had had surgery several times in the past and was just ready to get the baby out and be out of pain. They told me I wouldn't feel anything but pressure during the procedure. They said my surgeon would be the one on call and that he was a big teddy bear and known for how kind and gentle he was. Apparently his other job was artificially inseminating gorillas at the zoo. No joke. So he came in to meet us and we loved him. He was a big black dude with braces and very sweet. :)
They rolled me back to the operating room and during this time Shane got all suited up to come back with me. Poor guy was scared to death and he had to wait for them to prep me for at least 15 minutes. They laid me down stark naked on a super thin operating table. I'm talkin, I felt like if I sneezed, my gigantic pregnant self would roll of the table. It was so awkward laying there in the nude with my arms straight out on each side. Not to mention my legs were still completely numb. They increased the epidural until I could no longer feel the coldness of the alcohol pad on my belly. They finally brought Shane in and he was still super nervous. He kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed anything. I was all smiles because I was just ready to get this baby out of me, and I knew I needed to act strong and completely carefree for Shane. I remember my back pain staying consistent up until the second I felt her pull them out of me. And boy did I feel it. Through the whole surgery I felt pulling, tugging, and horrible pressure on my chest as they pushed her down to pull her out. I can still remember what it felt like when they got her head out. The whole time I had an awesome nurse behind me explaining everything they were doing. I don't know what I would have done without her. I remember her saying "She's out! She's gorgeous." And I kept asking her if Kynzie was ok.
Finally I heard my sweet daughter's cry and started crying myself. Shane said "Katy do you need me to stay here with you or can I go look at her?" and I told him I was fine he could go look at her. My only complaint at that time was the epidural was making my shoulders shake violently and it gave me a horrible knot in my shoulder blade that was throbbing. Shane came back pouring tears with a picture of her on his phone and said "Katy she's beautiful. She's perfect. And she has.....red... hair?" haha. She was blonde, but the blood in her hair made it look strawberry blonde. They brought her over to Shane and he held her cheek against mine. I'll be honest. I was just ready to get off the operating table and get my shoulder to stop throbbing. It took them about 20 minutes to stitch me back up and it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. They wheeled me back to my room and said Kynzie should be bathed and back there by the time we got there. Wrong. We had to wait about an hour and a half. Shane was so impatient, he was asking the nurse if she could go tell them to hurry up. He was mad that it was taking them that long. I really didn't mind at the time because I was still shaking so bad from the meds that I knew I wouldn't be able to hold her for a while. But they eventually brought her in and I forced myself to stop shaking so I could hold her.
At that time I cried over the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I had been in labor for 38 hours and my sweet Makynzie Jude was finally in my arms. I love her so much it hurts.
Makynzie Jude Wilkinson
8 lbs. 20 1/2 inches.
3/16/11 10:07pm
Friday, March 11, 2011
I'm ok with it.
What do these things have in common?
Pineapple
Walking
Castor Oil
Intercourse
Spicy Foods
Primrose Oil
Black & Blue Cohosh
Eggplant
Accupressure
Bouncing on the birthing ball
You might say "Ways to induce labor." And you would be.... wrong. They are ways to PROGRESS labor. It has taken me nearly 2 weeks to come to this realization, regardless of how many people told me. Now, having said that, I have only "tried" 6 of these. In fact, 2 of them I would never think of doing as they could cause serious harm to my baby, and that ain't worth it!
This is my decision to relax and let go. Right now my sweet daughter knows what is best for her better than I do. (You will never hear me say that again ;-)) I am making the conscious decision to believe that she will come when she wants to. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not against induction. My midwife plans to induce me next Friday if I haven't gone into labor by then. Yes, I prefer that she decide when she comes, but my doctor believes it is in her best interest to give her one more week tops.
I am so surprised and disheartened by all of the discouraging, negative, and downright MEAN things other moms have said to me throughout this pregnancy that I am doing everything differently with the next one. Shane and I will be the only ones to know her name, if we're opting for or out of the epidural, if we're cloth diapering, if I'm breastfeeding, etc. If you can't be happy for us, then why share our hopes & plans with you?
Anyway! Back to what I was saying. I am going to try to find some peace and contentment within myself, and say "I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it." You may be reading this thinking I'm overreacting (and maybe I am) but you're not me. I am a very emotional, impatient person and I have a very low tolerance for pain. That's not a good mix for a pregnant woman. Back pain, discomfort, hip pain, her painful movements, waking up in pools of sweat, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, swollen hands & feet, heartburn, sleep deprivation, shortness of breath etc are only a few of the symptoms I'm ready to bid adieu. I realize that having a newborn will be no piece of cake either. But at least I'll have a face to put to this baby's name! :)
Doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it and doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer to have my child in my arms, but I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it.
Pineapple
Walking
Castor Oil
Intercourse
Spicy Foods
Primrose Oil
Black & Blue Cohosh
Eggplant
Accupressure
Bouncing on the birthing ball
You might say "Ways to induce labor." And you would be.... wrong. They are ways to PROGRESS labor. It has taken me nearly 2 weeks to come to this realization, regardless of how many people told me. Now, having said that, I have only "tried" 6 of these. In fact, 2 of them I would never think of doing as they could cause serious harm to my baby, and that ain't worth it!
This is my decision to relax and let go. Right now my sweet daughter knows what is best for her better than I do. (You will never hear me say that again ;-)) I am making the conscious decision to believe that she will come when she wants to. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not against induction. My midwife plans to induce me next Friday if I haven't gone into labor by then. Yes, I prefer that she decide when she comes, but my doctor believes it is in her best interest to give her one more week tops.
I am so surprised and disheartened by all of the discouraging, negative, and downright MEAN things other moms have said to me throughout this pregnancy that I am doing everything differently with the next one. Shane and I will be the only ones to know her name, if we're opting for or out of the epidural, if we're cloth diapering, if I'm breastfeeding, etc. If you can't be happy for us, then why share our hopes & plans with you?
Anyway! Back to what I was saying. I am going to try to find some peace and contentment within myself, and say "I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it." You may be reading this thinking I'm overreacting (and maybe I am) but you're not me. I am a very emotional, impatient person and I have a very low tolerance for pain. That's not a good mix for a pregnant woman. Back pain, discomfort, hip pain, her painful movements, waking up in pools of sweat, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, swollen hands & feet, heartburn, sleep deprivation, shortness of breath etc are only a few of the symptoms I'm ready to bid adieu. I realize that having a newborn will be no piece of cake either. But at least I'll have a face to put to this baby's name! :)
Doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it and doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer to have my child in my arms, but I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it.
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