4 Hour Coma

I want a nap. Like a real one. Not one where I'm worried about my daughter and wake up every hour. I want a real 4 hour nap where I'm sleeping so deep I may as well be in a coma.

This week has sucked some major big toes. Maybe 2 weeks ago, I had my first "BAD" day in a while. I was taking the trash to the dumpster, and thought the diaper dekor bag was tied tight enough. You see where this is going?? My child was having a I-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it moment screaming in the car seat as I unloaded the diapers. As I was pulling it out of the car, the end opened and TONS of diapers spilled out onto the road. Kynz had a bad diaper rash, so we were using disposables day & night at this time, so there were even more than usual! As I bent over and picked them up off the road, I went to stand up and suh-lammed my head on the car door knocking me over in front of everyone at our apartment leasing office. Awesome. The day only got worse.

However, yesterday was pretty odd. Wednesday night we had Shane's redneck birthday at my parents' house which is 30 minutes from our's. (Our apartment is currently packed in boxes.) and we ended up staying the night there because we didn't feel like waking our sleeping baby and heading home at 11pm. I had scheduled a 9:40 appointment for Makynzie because she had symptoms of an ear infection. I set my alarm for 8am and totally forgot to tell my phone "Yes, I'd like to set my alarm to (ON)". I needed to leave my mom's at 8:30 so I could run the dogs home (30 minutes away) and then take Makynz to her appointment (15 minutes away). Needless to say, my alarm didn't go off. I woke up at 8:20 and Kynzie was STILL sleeping (NEVER happens until we have to be somewhere early.) I quickly packed the car, hoped the dogs didn't have to pee, and headed home. I got to her appointment 10 minutes late but they usually make us wait for 354578654786 minutes after her appointment time so I didn't feel too bad about being late for the first time ever. After 45 minutes of trying to keep my child calm, the doctor came in and diagnosed her with an ear infection, and said that babies who get them before 6 months are prone to get many of them. SUPER. In order to diagnose her, he had to get the wax out of her ears to see in them better. He may as well have been slapping her in the face. She was giving out the exact same scream she did when she got her shots. (Yes I am a horrible, awful mother who has chosen to vaccinate her child.) As soon as he said I could soothe her I swooped in and held her against my chest and put my cheek to her's. Somewhere amongst her sweet whimpers, she fell asleep on my chest and even stayed asleep as I transferred her into the car seat. Ughhh I love her so much.

SoI got home after Makynzie's appointment and laid her down for a nap. Baby girl KNOCKED OUT. An hour and a half into her nap I decided I'd lay down to take a nap too. I didn't bother setting an alarm because I needed to get up for MY doctor appointment in an hour and a half and she never takes naps longer than 2.5 hours so I'd be good and get up in plenty of time to feed her, change her, and take the dogs out to pee. Shane called and woke me up. Thank God he did because Makynzie hadn't woken up yet and I had to be at the doctor in 20 minutes!! Oh crap. So I jumped up, got her from the crib, and looked for my keys. Crap again. Where are my keys?? I looked EVERYwhere. I finally decided I had locked them in the car for the first time and Shane was going to kill me. So I started calling the doctor's office to cancel my appointment. As I was calling I realized I hadn't checked the key rack. Keyword: KEY rack. (No pun intended there.) And lo and behold, there my keys hung, laughing at me. I called the doctor's office and told them I would be late. However they neglected to answer the phone so I left a voicemail frantically that went something like this, "Ummmm hi! This is Kaitlyn Baehr...... I am running late..... Get in the RIGHT lane if you're gonna go slow buddy!!.... Oh yea, This is Kaitlyn Baehr.... I'll be there like 10 minutes late.... Please don't give me a fee...... Kynzie it's ok we're almost there baby.... Oh yeah, Ok bye." I got there and signed in and sat down. The nurse came out into the waiting room. "Makynzie?"  Well that's cool someone else here is named Makynzie too. "Makynzie??" Looking around the room I realized there was no one else in the room. Ugh. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I signed my daughter in instead of myself!" Nice huh. And now today is starting off with NO sleep, Kynz kept me up allllll night long. And I am being harassed by someone on Craigslist who will NOT STOP EMAILING ME. GO AWAY!!! I am not a C word, I am not over 200 pounds, my TV is in excellent condition, No my house is not a "pig pen"...... just GO AWAY.

I need a 4 hour coma.

A Love as Deep as This

My Kynzie Girl,


I should be folding laundry right now.... but I have the rest of my life to do laundry. I'm trying very hard as I raise you to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each minute with you every single day. Everything else can wait, and my whole world dims when I embrace a moment with you. I am overwhelmed with love for you right now. I thought I fully understood love before you came along, but it turns out I had no idea what an unconditional, deep, painful love was. It's official. I am crazy about you and I can't get enough of you. I put you down for a nap or bed, and 10 minutes later I just want to watch you sleep or wake you up to talk to you and show you new things. When I met you I instantly loved you, but it was nothing like this. I loved you at first I think just because I was supposed to. I didn't know you. For a while you were just like any other baby to me. But now I have learned you. I know what makes you mad, what makes you smile, and what interests you. Your little big personality is really starting to come out and the love I have for you is seriously hurting me. It hurts horribly to love someone this much and I have never known that feeling before. Whenever I think of you growing up I find myself crying hysterically. Some day a boy will break your heart, a "friend" will make fun of you, you will move away, and there will be times you don't like me. This kills me.

I am learning so much about you. When you cry, you are tired or want Mommy. You still won't let any one else hold you (sometimes Grandma and Jordan :)) but that's ok. You hate going to sleep because you don't want to miss a thing. You LOVE hugs and eating. :-) You would eat all day long if I let you. You get so excited over the smallest things and it reminds me to stop and take a breath in those busy days. You have shown me how strong I am, and also my weak points. You have taught me what tough love is, how to be selfless, and that it's ok if I'm not always in control of everything.

I will ALWAYS be here for you. I will support you in every decision you ever make, even if I don't agree with it. And I will always make the best decisions I possibly can for you. I will be your friend when you need one, I will listen to your problems, and hold you when a stupid boy breaks your heart. I will tell you I love you a million times a day. I will give you the best advice and answers I can, and I promise to be honest and say "I don't know", when I don't. I will ask you how your day was, and truly care about the answer.

Not only do I love you, I also like you. You are so smart, sweet, and beautiful. Don't ever forget how much I love you, because I will never stop loving you.

Mommy

Inside The Mind Of The Overwhelmed

Let's see if Shane's piece of crap laptop will stay cool enough for ten minutes and refrain from freezing so I can update this thing.

Holy August. Next month will introduce a new job and a new apartment. New apartment= yay!!! New job= ohmygoshwhatifidontgivemydaughterenoughoneononetime..... I watched Colin, now 8 weeks old for the first time yesterday. "This will be so easy" I thought. "I nannied twins infants for 10 months, Kynzie is super easy to take care of, I have permission to let Colin cry it out, piece of cake." Ok maybe some of that holds water... However, a new realization came to mind as my daughter was in the crib crying and Colin was in my arms screaming, refusing a bottle. Am I robbing my child of the one-on-one attention she needs? Will she know that no one, NO ONE, can ever take her place, including this new baby I am cheating on her with? Shane walked in the door at that time and before even a sweet hello, I said "Do you want to console Kynz or hold Colin?" Ha! Poor guy. Thank God he loves babies. He was so quick to go soothe Kynzie and then get Colin settled for me. Then this morning I had a good thought. Is it good for Kynz to consume every bit of my attention throughout the day? No. Is it selfish for moms to have a second child and share their time with the two kids? No. In fact, if Shane has it his way, I will be pregnant again when Makynzie turns one. afkjaskjgsfgkljg. oh my geez. Granted I will only be watching both bambinos for 3.5 days a week, the rest of the days I am solely Kynzie's. So I am excited. I am thankful for more income and the chance to be a positive impact in these sweet babies' lives and the opportunity to give my child a friend while she is so young. This will be good for her.....? Excuse the question mark, I meant, this will be good for her.

On another note, we are moving into a bigger, nicer, THREE bedroom apartment!! Woohoo! And the famous Cassie & Drew Jackson will be our neighbors and can babysit come hang out with us more often! ;-) They are the cat's meow.


Last but not least, I am so incredibly, ridiculously, immensely terrified of my wedding day. I'm not even thinking "What Ifs". For example, "what if I trip", "what if my dad steps on my dress", "what if I have to pee" have not even entered my mind. Well, I guess they have now.... SUPER. It's more or less, "Oh my gosh, everyone's going to be looking at me... just ME, 100+ people just staring at me...." I haaaaaate being the center of attention. Thank God Shane lives for it. If you know me, I am shy until I get to know you and then I'm really outgoing, but I don't do well under pressure. I am excited about how fun our wedding will be. I am looking forward to the dancing, and I really hope Shane and I's sense of humor comes out through our choice in music, words, and actions on this day. We have truly put our we-can't-be-serious-to-save-our-lives touch on this wedding, and I want everyone to have a good time. I keep saying I hope our guests have fun, laugh, are comfortable, etc etc and Shane has to keep reminding me that this is OUR day. Who cares what everyone else thinks?? Well, I do. So even if my wedding sucks, you better lie to me and say it couldn't have been better. I'll leave you with that threat..... :)

Cest La Vie

I have spent the last year or so wishing I was someone else, wishing my circumstances were different, my choices were better, and frankly, that I'd find a thousand bucks. If I had a quarter for every time Shane and I have said "We need...." or "I want...." or, "Someday we will be able to afford....", I wouldn't be saying those things because I would be rolling in it. I'm so tired of money consuming my thought life, leaving me in tears wondering which bills we should pay on time and how we're going to afford an eye infection or clothes for Kynzie. Now, the intention of this post is not at all for sympathy. Our choices have gotten us here, and now we are digging ourselves out of this hole we have created. The first year of our relationship we lived in Shane's grandmother's summer house, paying no rent or utilities. We easily could have been saving hundreds a month. Instead that went toward going out, throwing parties, and getting wasted. We realize we were foolish, and now we have to pay for that. So what do you do when you're so tired of being the one friends offer to pay for, living paycheck to paycheck hoping that at some point you'll get a break, and being unable to save any because not a dime is left over after everything is paid off? I guess you keep on truckin... I'm tired of my fiance' leaving at 6 in the morning and coming home when Makynzie is going to bed. I'm tired of job hunting while my baby is taking her naps. I'm tired of turning friends down for going out even if it's simply driving somewhere because we don't have the gas money. I'm tired of looking around the apartment and trying to figure out what we can sell and do without. And I'm so so tired of crying with Shane and losing sleep over it.

Then I had a reality check. I know it's so cliche', but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" came on tv the other night and I found myself in tears. A family of 9 had just lost their dad to a sudden heart attack and I can't believe the condition of the home they were living in. Only one burner worked on the stove, there was water damage throughout the entire house, and kids were sleeping on the floor. Wow. I did a self-evaluation. Is my situation really that bad? Sure we struggle to pay rent at times, but for 13 months now, not a single bill has been late. So many times I have turned to Shane crying with less than a hundred bucks in the bank and said, "How are we going to make it til next Friday?" But we have. Time and time again, we have. With the help of family and friends, we are surviving and we have no reason not to be happy. We have a happy, healthy baby who adores us, a roof over our head, and food in our bellies every day. I have no idea how we make it each month, but we do and that's what matters. It's ok that we can't go out with our friends, it's ok that we have to look for food deals, and occassionally ask for an extension on a bill. Because that's where we're at right now. Shane is always saying "Katy it won't always be like this." And I have a really hard time believing that. But I need to have hope and believe that it won't. Being thankful is a conscious choice, and from here on out, that's what I am choosing.

My Girl

To my #1 Fan,

It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Your little big smiles melt my heart and dim everything else going on around me. You are so precious to me and I have never felt love like this. I would name off your favorite things, but there's only one- Mommy. We certainly have a bond that no one has been able to break. I often get irritated when you don't want any one else to hold you and when you see me from across the room and it's game over. But I shouldn't. I should cherish that. Because if you turn out to be anything like the teenager I was, you won't truly appreciate me again until you're in your twenties. I should consider it my reward. I am wanted and needed, and that's what everyone longs for in life.

I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.

The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.

Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)

I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy

Thangs I've Larn'd

Things I've Learned About Myself:

-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)

- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?

-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.

- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.

- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!

.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.

Marriage Quiz (in my case we will call it a "Almost-married Quiz")

1. What are your middle names? Earl and Claire. Our parents don't love us.

2. How long have you been together? 2 years

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years

4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me

5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine

6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.

7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix

8. Did you go to the same school? yep

9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.

10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden

11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!

12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.

13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.

14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.

15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.

17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair

18. Who hogs the bed? Me again

19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.

20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"

21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.

22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all

23. Who eats more? Me

24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.

25. Who does the laundry? Me.

26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane

27. Who drives when you are together? Shane

28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together

29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)

31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us

32. Who eats more sweets? Shane

33. Who is more adventurous? Me

34. Who is more romantic? both of us

35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"

36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between