Mopey Me

I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I am bored, exhausted, short of breath, fatigued, jealous, impatient, and hopeless.

So let's break this down... my boredom. I am so bored that my apartment has been spotless & organized for weeks. And honestly it's not even because I have been "nesting." I'm simply bored. My day goes exactly like this: Get up with Shane at 6am, make his lunch & coffee, feed the dogs, eat a yogurt and a glass of milk, empty the dishwasher, walk Shane out, check my email, climb in bed with the dogs, fight back tears for God knows what reason, play solitaire or watch about 15 minutes of Boy Meets World, talk to mom on the phone while she's on her way to work, force myself back to sleep til about 10am. Get up, take a shower, walk the dogs, take any outgoing mail to the mailbox, come back to the apt and clean some more (laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, anything I can find), eat a small lunch b/c I have no appetite lately, talk to Shane on his lunch break, check the mail at 2, walk the dogs, watch Ellen at 3, go on a walk with the dogs and Shane when he gets home around 6, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, go to bed (which does not mean sleep. It means toss & turn all night and get up every hour to pee.) My day might be a bit more exciting if I had some energy & gas money, but it is what it is.... c'est la vie.

I am exhausted and fatigued I guess because I'm not getting a good night's rest anymore. And when I probably could sleep, I stay up worrying about money all night long. Even sitting at the computer I catch my eyes closing and I have to lay my head on the desk for a minute to rest. It takes quite a lecture to get up and walk across the room.

I'm short of breath I guess because I am so uncomfortable and my back is all messed up from leaning back trying to overcompensate for my big belly.

I am jealous simply because all my girlfriends are having their babies. I know I'm not even due yet and I will have my turn but it really feels like it's never going to happen for me. For that exact reason I am impatient and hopeless.

Sweet baby girl,
Your room is ready, your car seat is installed, your clothes are all hung up and organized according to size, your bassinet is waiting empty by my bed, your baby showers are over, the hospital bag and diaper bag are packed, the apartment is pristine, the basic birth wishes are all written out, your lungs are mature enough to breathe on your own, and other than finances, we are ready for you. I am so ready for you. I want to watch you sleep, and hear your cry and squeaks, I want to see your daddy gaze at you, I want to try to get through labor without any pain meds, I want to feel needed by you, I want to nurse you and laugh at your gassy smiles. I want to look at you in amazement trying to let it sink in that your daddy and I created you. I want to show you off to family & friends and feel like I too, can do something awesome like have a healthy baby.
Your movements hurt now, but I'm trying so hard to remind myself that each roll and scrape along my belly means that you're ok.
I love you. Please don't take your time, and be nice to me when we're in labor.
-your incredibly anxious mommy