One of the things I have always wanted to change about myself is the kind of sleeper I am. LIGHT. I'm a sleep snob. I have to have absolute pitch blackness, and no noise except for the white noise of the fan which I cannot sleep without.
Shane, on the other hand, is the kind of sleeper I want to be. The TV could be blasting, the sun shining on his face, I could be talking to him, and he can just tell himself to go to sleep- and do it in a matter of five minutes. And I'm allowed to hate him for this. :-) Not a night goes by where he doesn't get angry at me for needing the noise of the fan. "Kynzie will NOT be dependent on the fan." He says it will make life harder, like traveling. Because we will always have to bring a fan with us. And I guess he's right. So I tried a few times throughout the pregnancy to ween myself from my "fan-dependency," but halfway through the night, I got so tired of tossing and turning and paying attention to every little sound, that I gave up and begged Shane to let me give in and turn on my precious fan.
I have heard so many different things about sleep when I have a newborn. How I should say goodbye to sleep, sleep when she sleeps, take naps during the day, get her on a routine so I can get myself on a routine, etc. But had someone told me the kind of sleep I'd be getting (or should I say not getting) at this point in the pregnancy, I wouldn't have believed them. I believed they were right and for the last few weeks I'd be super uncomfortable trying to sleep, but it's not that simple. I toss and turn allllll night long. And I find myself soaked in pools of sweat, even if it's 40 degrees outside and the window is open. But what I wasn't prepared for, is I wake up every hour or so WIDE awake. Like I had just slept for days. Getting up with Shane at 6am after a night of no sleep is a piece of cake. And it's sooo frustrating! I've also heard, "Oh you'll be so sleep-deprived you'll be able to sleep through more than you can now." I call bluff on that one. Overtired is just as bad as not tired at all. I used to work nights, and even after 6 months of it, if I hadn't slept in days, it was still nearly impossible to lull myself to sleep.
I guess this is my body getting ready for baby girl's feedings. Regardless, I have maybe up to 3 more weeks to prepare for that! I want to get in all the sleep I possibly can until she gets here!!
So I guess this is me saying goodbye sleep, you will be and already are, missed.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Mopey Me
I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I am bored, exhausted, short of breath, fatigued, jealous, impatient, and hopeless.
So let's break this down... my boredom. I am so bored that my apartment has been spotless & organized for weeks. And honestly it's not even because I have been "nesting." I'm simply bored. My day goes exactly like this: Get up with Shane at 6am, make his lunch & coffee, feed the dogs, eat a yogurt and a glass of milk, empty the dishwasher, walk Shane out, check my email, climb in bed with the dogs, fight back tears for God knows what reason, play solitaire or watch about 15 minutes of Boy Meets World, talk to mom on the phone while she's on her way to work, force myself back to sleep til about 10am. Get up, take a shower, walk the dogs, take any outgoing mail to the mailbox, come back to the apt and clean some more (laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, anything I can find), eat a small lunch b/c I have no appetite lately, talk to Shane on his lunch break, check the mail at 2, walk the dogs, watch Ellen at 3, go on a walk with the dogs and Shane when he gets home around 6, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, go to bed (which does not mean sleep. It means toss & turn all night and get up every hour to pee.) My day might be a bit more exciting if I had some energy & gas money, but it is what it is.... c'est la vie.
I am exhausted and fatigued I guess because I'm not getting a good night's rest anymore. And when I probably could sleep, I stay up worrying about money all night long. Even sitting at the computer I catch my eyes closing and I have to lay my head on the desk for a minute to rest. It takes quite a lecture to get up and walk across the room.
I'm short of breath I guess because I am so uncomfortable and my back is all messed up from leaning back trying to overcompensate for my big belly.
I am jealous simply because all my girlfriends are having their babies. I know I'm not even due yet and I will have my turn but it really feels like it's never going to happen for me. For that exact reason I am impatient and hopeless.
Sweet baby girl,
Your room is ready, your car seat is installed, your clothes are all hung up and organized according to size, your bassinet is waiting empty by my bed, your baby showers are over, the hospital bag and diaper bag are packed, the apartment is pristine, the basic birth wishes are all written out, your lungs are mature enough to breathe on your own, and other than finances, we are ready for you. I am so ready for you. I want to watch you sleep, and hear your cry and squeaks, I want to see your daddy gaze at you, I want to try to get through labor without any pain meds, I want to feel needed by you, I want to nurse you and laugh at your gassy smiles. I want to look at you in amazement trying to let it sink in that your daddy and I created you. I want to show you off to family & friends and feel like I too, can do something awesome like have a healthy baby.
Your movements hurt now, but I'm trying so hard to remind myself that each roll and scrape along my belly means that you're ok.
I love you. Please don't take your time, and be nice to me when we're in labor.
-your incredibly anxious mommy
So let's break this down... my boredom. I am so bored that my apartment has been spotless & organized for weeks. And honestly it's not even because I have been "nesting." I'm simply bored. My day goes exactly like this: Get up with Shane at 6am, make his lunch & coffee, feed the dogs, eat a yogurt and a glass of milk, empty the dishwasher, walk Shane out, check my email, climb in bed with the dogs, fight back tears for God knows what reason, play solitaire or watch about 15 minutes of Boy Meets World, talk to mom on the phone while she's on her way to work, force myself back to sleep til about 10am. Get up, take a shower, walk the dogs, take any outgoing mail to the mailbox, come back to the apt and clean some more (laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, anything I can find), eat a small lunch b/c I have no appetite lately, talk to Shane on his lunch break, check the mail at 2, walk the dogs, watch Ellen at 3, go on a walk with the dogs and Shane when he gets home around 6, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, go to bed (which does not mean sleep. It means toss & turn all night and get up every hour to pee.) My day might be a bit more exciting if I had some energy & gas money, but it is what it is.... c'est la vie.
I am exhausted and fatigued I guess because I'm not getting a good night's rest anymore. And when I probably could sleep, I stay up worrying about money all night long. Even sitting at the computer I catch my eyes closing and I have to lay my head on the desk for a minute to rest. It takes quite a lecture to get up and walk across the room.
I'm short of breath I guess because I am so uncomfortable and my back is all messed up from leaning back trying to overcompensate for my big belly.
I am jealous simply because all my girlfriends are having their babies. I know I'm not even due yet and I will have my turn but it really feels like it's never going to happen for me. For that exact reason I am impatient and hopeless.
Sweet baby girl,
Your room is ready, your car seat is installed, your clothes are all hung up and organized according to size, your bassinet is waiting empty by my bed, your baby showers are over, the hospital bag and diaper bag are packed, the apartment is pristine, the basic birth wishes are all written out, your lungs are mature enough to breathe on your own, and other than finances, we are ready for you. I am so ready for you. I want to watch you sleep, and hear your cry and squeaks, I want to see your daddy gaze at you, I want to try to get through labor without any pain meds, I want to feel needed by you, I want to nurse you and laugh at your gassy smiles. I want to look at you in amazement trying to let it sink in that your daddy and I created you. I want to show you off to family & friends and feel like I too, can do something awesome like have a healthy baby.
Your movements hurt now, but I'm trying so hard to remind myself that each roll and scrape along my belly means that you're ok.
I love you. Please don't take your time, and be nice to me when we're in labor.
-your incredibly anxious mommy
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A lot on my mind.
-My rice cooker makes the apartment smell like pee.
-Summer is driving me insane. She can't go on a walk without constantly pulling like it's her job.
-My chocolate obsession is starting to dissipate. I think maybe because my acid reflux is getting better.
- Our fridge is BARE. If you can whip something up with a bunch of different condiments, you have a meal. Otherwise, you are S.O.L.
- My chiropractor is my hero. I haven't had sciatica since my first appointment there, which was almost a month ago!
- Gas money would be awesome. I have been saving the few drops of gas left in the car for in case I have to drive myself to the hospital.
- Shane and I need *one* more day trip together before baby M gets here. Doesn't look very likely.
- I neeeeed to clean out our closet.
- Makynzie, you are making me feel like my ribs are separating.
- I wish I had invented Magic Erasers. I'd be a millionaire.
- I can't wait for my next full night of sleep. Which I'm afraid will be a WHILE from now.
- I want a quesadilla.
- Buckwheat keeps walking up and putting his cold, wet nose up my arm pit. He probably needs to go out.
- Kynzie has enough bibs & socks for her whole life! (If she were to stay an infant, that is.)
- I can't wait til Shane gets home and we can go on our daily walk. It's so relaxing hearing all about his day, and his hopes and dreams for the future while enjoying this nice, sunny weather.
-Summer is driving me insane. She can't go on a walk without constantly pulling like it's her job.
-My chocolate obsession is starting to dissipate. I think maybe because my acid reflux is getting better.
- Our fridge is BARE. If you can whip something up with a bunch of different condiments, you have a meal. Otherwise, you are S.O.L.
- My chiropractor is my hero. I haven't had sciatica since my first appointment there, which was almost a month ago!
- Gas money would be awesome. I have been saving the few drops of gas left in the car for in case I have to drive myself to the hospital.
- Shane and I need *one* more day trip together before baby M gets here. Doesn't look very likely.
- I neeeeed to clean out our closet.
- Makynzie, you are making me feel like my ribs are separating.
- I wish I had invented Magic Erasers. I'd be a millionaire.
- I can't wait for my next full night of sleep. Which I'm afraid will be a WHILE from now.
- I want a quesadilla.
- Buckwheat keeps walking up and putting his cold, wet nose up my arm pit. He probably needs to go out.
- Kynzie has enough bibs & socks for her whole life! (If she were to stay an infant, that is.)
- I can't wait til Shane gets home and we can go on our daily walk. It's so relaxing hearing all about his day, and his hopes and dreams for the future while enjoying this nice, sunny weather.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Like it or Hate it, but Leave me alone about it!
Yes, I am drinking small amounts of coffee while pregnant. I am enjoying some cold lunch meat on occasion. I am taking Tylenol and Zantac when I need it, because Lord knows I need it! You better believe I'm getting that epidural. I am going to try cloth diapers. Maybe instead of putting me down about it, you could say "good for you!" or "I hope it works out!" Something encouraging, which is not "Good luck...." or "Yea you will switch to disposable..." I will not be using hand sanitizer like it's going out of business. I will not be sterilizing every bottle and pacifier. I'm going to try to make her food myself. I plan to do so when she is 4-6 months old. I hope to start potty training her asap. I will let my dogs sniff her to check her out, and once she's a little older, lick her face. I will get her vaccinated, I may even have my chiropractor adjust her. I plan to put her in public school. I may or may not raise her in the church, however I will not tell her one religion is right until she is old enough to completely understand and make a decision for herself. I will not allow her to wear provocative clothing or experiment with drugs. I will let her get muddy & messy if she is having fun. I will let her cry it out if that's best for her. I may or may not spank her when she disobeys. These are all MY decisions for MY child. You can make the same, or different decisions, for YOUR child. And I will respect that, and keep my mouth shut because it is none of my business.
Having said all that, I will love my daughter. I will show her that she can always trust me and come to me with any problem she is having. I will allow her to be angry. I will show her right from wrong and give her the opportunity to choose one or the other. I will be a good example to her, and provide a good example of what marriage should be. I will give her the best advice I know to give her, and not judge her when she makes the wrong decision. I will love her unconditionally. I will offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I will cry when she chooses her friends over family. My heart will break when her's does. She will never have any doubt in her mind that her mother loves her.
So you tell me... which of these is most important??
Having said all that, I will love my daughter. I will show her that she can always trust me and come to me with any problem she is having. I will allow her to be angry. I will show her right from wrong and give her the opportunity to choose one or the other. I will be a good example to her, and provide a good example of what marriage should be. I will give her the best advice I know to give her, and not judge her when she makes the wrong decision. I will love her unconditionally. I will offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I will cry when she chooses her friends over family. My heart will break when her's does. She will never have any doubt in her mind that her mother loves her.
So you tell me... which of these is most important??
Monday, February 7, 2011
Forgive my Whining
I am SO ready to get this child out of me. But at the same time, I want to pretend I enjoy it so that I'll want to get pregnant again someday. :) I am so anxious now. With only 5 weeks left (could be up to 7. ughhh) I am finding myself getting incredibly impatient. I wake up a few times in the night (usually to pee) and find myself glancing over at the bassinet wishing she was in it so I could watch her sleep and cry over how beautiful she is. AT LEAST once a day I tell Shane I wish she was here. I walk into her nursery and get butterflies. I even try to avoid reading the baby books because I know it will only cause me to grow more and more impatient. I'm trying to tell myself that my due date is actually March 26th in order to instill a little more patience in myself. I just know that once I'm 38 weeks, I'm going to walk, eat spicy food... everything I possibly can to meet her sooner.
Shane and I talk so much now about the hopes we have for her. Nothing can make this sweet child come soon enough.
Shane and I talk so much now about the hopes we have for her. Nothing can make this sweet child come soon enough.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
7 months
Kynzie girl,
We have hit the 7 month mark. Holy cow. I cannot believe you will be here in just 11 weeks. I am getting more impatient by the day. Daddy told me last night that I haven't been a bad sport about the whole pregnancy. I know I need to document that. :)
You are growing so quickly. What was once swift jabs at my side, are now massive body parts rubbing against me with pressure and causing me to jump because I can't believe how strong you are. I can feel AND see you move now. It's so unreal. When I show Daddy, he smiles and his jaw drops. We get to see you again in 2 weeks on an ultrasound. My asthma medicine can cause a growth stunt, so they want to check your growth and make sure you're right on track. (Don't tell Daddy I haven't been taking the medicine for this reason!) We want to save up $100 to get another 3d ultrasound before you come so we can see your new facial features. We keep talking about what we think you will look like. Our best guess is brown, curly hair. And I think you will look a lot like Daddy's side of the family.
We are also trying to hire a babysitter off Care.com for Daddy and I's date nights. I need to take down our post because it's been up for 5 days & I'm getting responses like crazy. So far we have 12 interviews scheduled in January. Yikes!
I'm having more dreams about you now. And when I wake up from a bad dream, I try to imagine you laying next to me peacefully. I see your chubby cheeks and sweet little lips (probably not little if you you take after Daddy! :-))
I am most looking forward to seeing your daddy with you. He is so excited. He always said he wanted a boy, but he's even more excited about a girl. He wants to take you hunting and fishing, and he has chosen several songs he wants to sing to you. Including "Don't Cry" by Jamey Johnson. Ah, I love that song and your daddy's voice gives me chills, it's so pretty. He keeps talking about how strict he will be with your boyfriends and what you wear. :-) He is a big softy, so I don't think you'll fear him much. I'm sure you'll know how to work him! He is almost done making your changing table and he's so thrilled to do that for you.
I'm getting really nervous about him being at work all day and class all evening. I'm looking for a part time job to keep me busy. I know I can take care of you myself, I just hate being alone. Weekends with him will be nice and we want to plan family outings for as many of them as possible.
I get to hear your heartbeat tomorrow at my 29 week appointment :-) Keep it strong for us, and keep growing like a weed so you will be healthy and strong when you decide to make your grand appearance.
We love you more than you will ever know,
Mommy
We have hit the 7 month mark. Holy cow. I cannot believe you will be here in just 11 weeks. I am getting more impatient by the day. Daddy told me last night that I haven't been a bad sport about the whole pregnancy. I know I need to document that. :)
You are growing so quickly. What was once swift jabs at my side, are now massive body parts rubbing against me with pressure and causing me to jump because I can't believe how strong you are. I can feel AND see you move now. It's so unreal. When I show Daddy, he smiles and his jaw drops. We get to see you again in 2 weeks on an ultrasound. My asthma medicine can cause a growth stunt, so they want to check your growth and make sure you're right on track. (Don't tell Daddy I haven't been taking the medicine for this reason!) We want to save up $100 to get another 3d ultrasound before you come so we can see your new facial features. We keep talking about what we think you will look like. Our best guess is brown, curly hair. And I think you will look a lot like Daddy's side of the family.
We are also trying to hire a babysitter off Care.com for Daddy and I's date nights. I need to take down our post because it's been up for 5 days & I'm getting responses like crazy. So far we have 12 interviews scheduled in January. Yikes!
I'm having more dreams about you now. And when I wake up from a bad dream, I try to imagine you laying next to me peacefully. I see your chubby cheeks and sweet little lips (probably not little if you you take after Daddy! :-))
I am most looking forward to seeing your daddy with you. He is so excited. He always said he wanted a boy, but he's even more excited about a girl. He wants to take you hunting and fishing, and he has chosen several songs he wants to sing to you. Including "Don't Cry" by Jamey Johnson. Ah, I love that song and your daddy's voice gives me chills, it's so pretty. He keeps talking about how strict he will be with your boyfriends and what you wear. :-) He is a big softy, so I don't think you'll fear him much. I'm sure you'll know how to work him! He is almost done making your changing table and he's so thrilled to do that for you.
I'm getting really nervous about him being at work all day and class all evening. I'm looking for a part time job to keep me busy. I know I can take care of you myself, I just hate being alone. Weekends with him will be nice and we want to plan family outings for as many of them as possible.
I get to hear your heartbeat tomorrow at my 29 week appointment :-) Keep it strong for us, and keep growing like a weed so you will be healthy and strong when you decide to make your grand appearance.
We love you more than you will ever know,
Mommy
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
27.5 weeks
Kynzie-girl,
I don't know why but that nickname has just kinda "stuck." I will have to forgive everyone (your Aunt Erin!) for calling you "MJ" because I know it will happen and I hate it!
I can't believe we're so close to meeting you. Yet it's dragging on! I love every light or swift kick that you make, but at the same time it makes me long to hold you and comfort you so badly. I can't wait to show you how crazy in love with you we already are.
Daddy started getting your nursery ready. It looks gorgeous. He's so funny, he wants everything to be absolutely perfect and stresses himself out if something is not. He was correcting your block letters on the wall and I told him to leave it, it was ok a little crooked. But he said concerned, "honey, don't you want our daughter's first room to be beautiful?" :) Yes, I do. And I will always remember him saying that. He likes to feel you move but I think it really weirds him out! Each morning when my first alarm goes off, without fail, you are wide awake. You stretch and kick like a little pinball. I feel you on each side at the same time, one side being strong, repetitive kicks in my ribs. Don't you know I need all the sleep I can get? ;-)
My sciatica is completely gone. I only wear my best sneakers now and that seems to have alleviated the pain. I am, however, craving chocolate like it's going out of business! I have nnneeevvveeerrr liked chocolate. Now I can't get enough! Ice cream, hot chocolate, cookies, Hershey bars, M&M's, cake.... ahhh! I have gained 21 pounds and the midwife says I am measuring exactly where I should. I still feel tiny, but can't believe I'm going to get bigger. Now when looking at me, there's no mistaking the fact that I'm pregnant.
I don't know what else to say, other than I can't WAIT to meet you and kiss your little face.
You are so loved,
Mommy
I don't know why but that nickname has just kinda "stuck." I will have to forgive everyone (your Aunt Erin!) for calling you "MJ" because I know it will happen and I hate it!
I can't believe we're so close to meeting you. Yet it's dragging on! I love every light or swift kick that you make, but at the same time it makes me long to hold you and comfort you so badly. I can't wait to show you how crazy in love with you we already are.
Daddy started getting your nursery ready. It looks gorgeous. He's so funny, he wants everything to be absolutely perfect and stresses himself out if something is not. He was correcting your block letters on the wall and I told him to leave it, it was ok a little crooked. But he said concerned, "honey, don't you want our daughter's first room to be beautiful?" :) Yes, I do. And I will always remember him saying that. He likes to feel you move but I think it really weirds him out! Each morning when my first alarm goes off, without fail, you are wide awake. You stretch and kick like a little pinball. I feel you on each side at the same time, one side being strong, repetitive kicks in my ribs. Don't you know I need all the sleep I can get? ;-)
My sciatica is completely gone. I only wear my best sneakers now and that seems to have alleviated the pain. I am, however, craving chocolate like it's going out of business! I have nnneeevvveeerrr liked chocolate. Now I can't get enough! Ice cream, hot chocolate, cookies, Hershey bars, M&M's, cake.... ahhh! I have gained 21 pounds and the midwife says I am measuring exactly where I should. I still feel tiny, but can't believe I'm going to get bigger. Now when looking at me, there's no mistaking the fact that I'm pregnant.
I don't know what else to say, other than I can't WAIT to meet you and kiss your little face.
You are so loved,
Mommy
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