Mopey Me

I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I am bored, exhausted, short of breath, fatigued, jealous, impatient, and hopeless.

So let's break this down... my boredom. I am so bored that my apartment has been spotless & organized for weeks. And honestly it's not even because I have been "nesting." I'm simply bored. My day goes exactly like this: Get up with Shane at 6am, make his lunch & coffee, feed the dogs, eat a yogurt and a glass of milk, empty the dishwasher, walk Shane out, check my email, climb in bed with the dogs, fight back tears for God knows what reason, play solitaire or watch about 15 minutes of Boy Meets World, talk to mom on the phone while she's on her way to work, force myself back to sleep til about 10am. Get up, take a shower, walk the dogs, take any outgoing mail to the mailbox, come back to the apt and clean some more (laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, anything I can find), eat a small lunch b/c I have no appetite lately, talk to Shane on his lunch break, check the mail at 2, walk the dogs, watch Ellen at 3, go on a walk with the dogs and Shane when he gets home around 6, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, go to bed (which does not mean sleep. It means toss & turn all night and get up every hour to pee.) My day might be a bit more exciting if I had some energy & gas money, but it is what it is.... c'est la vie.

I am exhausted and fatigued I guess because I'm not getting a good night's rest anymore. And when I probably could sleep, I stay up worrying about money all night long. Even sitting at the computer I catch my eyes closing and I have to lay my head on the desk for a minute to rest. It takes quite a lecture to get up and walk across the room.

I'm short of breath I guess because I am so uncomfortable and my back is all messed up from leaning back trying to overcompensate for my big belly.

I am jealous simply because all my girlfriends are having their babies. I know I'm not even due yet and I will have my turn but it really feels like it's never going to happen for me. For that exact reason I am impatient and hopeless.

Sweet baby girl,
Your room is ready, your car seat is installed, your clothes are all hung up and organized according to size, your bassinet is waiting empty by my bed, your baby showers are over, the hospital bag and diaper bag are packed, the apartment is pristine, the basic birth wishes are all written out, your lungs are mature enough to breathe on your own, and other than finances, we are ready for you. I am so ready for you. I want to watch you sleep, and hear your cry and squeaks, I want to see your daddy gaze at you, I want to try to get through labor without any pain meds, I want to feel needed by you, I want to nurse you and laugh at your gassy smiles. I want to look at you in amazement trying to let it sink in that your daddy and I created you. I want to show you off to family & friends and feel like I too, can do something awesome like have a healthy baby.
Your movements hurt now, but I'm trying so hard to remind myself that each roll and scrape along my belly means that you're ok.
I love you. Please don't take your time, and be nice to me when we're in labor.
-your incredibly anxious mommy

A lot on my mind.

-My rice cooker makes the apartment smell like pee.

-Summer is driving me insane. She can't go on a walk without constantly pulling like it's her job.

-My chocolate obsession is starting to dissipate. I think maybe because my acid reflux is getting better.

- Our fridge is BARE. If you can whip something up with a bunch of different condiments, you have a meal. Otherwise, you are S.O.L.

- My chiropractor is my hero. I haven't had sciatica since my first appointment there, which was almost a month ago!

- Gas money would be awesome. I have been saving the few drops of gas left in the car for in case I have to drive myself to the hospital.

- Shane and I need *one* more day trip together before baby M gets here. Doesn't look very likely.

- I neeeeed to clean out our closet.

- Makynzie, you are making me feel like my ribs are separating.

- I wish I had invented Magic Erasers. I'd be a millionaire.

- I can't wait for my next full night of sleep. Which I'm afraid will be a WHILE from now.

- I want a quesadilla.

- Buckwheat keeps walking up and putting his cold, wet nose up my arm pit. He probably needs to go out.

- Kynzie has enough bibs & socks for her whole life! (If she were to stay an infant, that is.)

- I can't wait til Shane gets home and we can go on our daily walk. It's so relaxing hearing all about his day, and his hopes and dreams for the future while enjoying this nice, sunny weather.

Like it or Hate it, but Leave me alone about it!

Yes, I am drinking small amounts of coffee while pregnant. I am enjoying some cold lunch meat on occasion. I am taking Tylenol and Zantac when I need it, because Lord knows I need it! You better believe I'm getting that epidural. I am going to try cloth diapers. Maybe instead of putting me down about it, you could say "good for you!" or "I hope it works out!" Something encouraging, which is not "Good luck...." or "Yea you will switch to disposable..." I will not be using hand sanitizer like it's going out of business. I will not be sterilizing every bottle and pacifier. I'm going to try to make her food myself. I plan to do so when she is 4-6 months old. I hope to start potty training her asap. I will let my dogs sniff her to check her out, and once she's a little older, lick her face. I will get her vaccinated, I may even have my chiropractor adjust her. I plan to put her in public school. I may or may not raise her in the church, however I will not tell her one religion is right until she is old enough to completely understand and make a decision for herself. I will not allow her to wear provocative clothing or experiment with drugs. I will let her get muddy & messy if she is having fun. I will let her cry it out if that's best for her. I may or may not spank her when she disobeys. These are all MY decisions for MY child. You can make the same, or different decisions, for YOUR child. And I will respect that, and keep my mouth shut because it is none of my business.

Having said all that, I will love my daughter. I will show her that she can always trust me and come to me with any problem she is having. I will allow her to be angry. I will show her right from wrong and give her the opportunity to choose one or the other. I will be a good example to her, and provide a good example of what marriage should be. I will give her the best advice I know to give her, and not judge her when she makes the wrong decision. I will love her unconditionally. I will offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I will cry when she chooses her friends over family. My heart will break when her's does. She will never have any doubt in her mind that her mother loves her.

So you tell me... which of these is most important??

Forgive my Whining

I am SO ready to get this child out of me. But at the same time, I want to pretend I enjoy it so that I'll want to get pregnant again someday. :) I am so anxious now. With only 5 weeks left (could be up to 7. ughhh) I am finding myself getting incredibly impatient. I wake up a few times in the night (usually to pee) and find myself glancing over at the bassinet wishing she was in it so I could watch her sleep and cry over how beautiful she is. AT LEAST once a day I tell Shane I wish she was here. I walk into her nursery and get butterflies. I even try to avoid reading the baby books because I know it will only cause me to grow more and more impatient. I'm trying to tell myself that my due date is actually March 26th in order to instill a little more patience in myself. I just know that once I'm 38 weeks, I'm going to walk, eat spicy food... everything I possibly can to meet her sooner.

Shane and I talk so much now about the hopes we have for her. Nothing can make this sweet child come soon enough.