If you know me well, you know that I struggle hard with Kynzie these days. The girl has me in tears almost on a daily basis. We butt heads and a lot of times it's because she's like me in a lot of ways. For example, when she asks for something to be done, she wants it done immediately. I feel like I've tried everything with her to get her to listen and stop whining. I've read books on it lately, asked other moms for advice, tried reward systems, given her more sleep, more food & drink, etc. Nothing helps. Shane and I aren't against spankings but aren't crazy about the concept either. It's really a last resort for us. We also don't want to be the parents that just yell all the time. We've realized lately that that's exactly who we have become. So we are trying really hard to remedy the situation and give her whatever it is she's needing. Rather than just punishing her for whining, we're trying to figure out WHY she's whining. (Holy smokes, parenting is tough.)
Anyway! I'm getting to my point I promise.
My sweet, fun-loving, easy-going, charming little boy Brantley has some mad anger issues. Like if you tell him the grass is indeed green and not blue like he's insisting, he hulks out. To the point of being hilarious and Shane and I often look at eachother like "What is happening right now?!" And at that point the best thing we've learned to do is just leave him alone until he's done morphing and his head stops spinning around.
Well when he gets mad at Kynzie he clenches his fists and starts screaming in her face like a drill sergeant. He did this yesterday, so I pulled him aside and explained to him why yelling is not effective. I told him that talking with people calmly (notice I said talking "with" and not "to") usually gets them to listen whereas yelling at them makes them angry and causes them to stop listening. At this point in the conversation I realized that I was talking more to myself than to my son. Who, at this point was looking at me like "what the heck is she saying? Is she still talking?" I realized that when I yell at Kynzie she's not feeling respected. Exactly how I feel when she's yelling at me. Shane and I very, very rarely fight but when we do, and one of us starts yelling, the other person shuts the conversation down. They check out. They're done. They know the yelling person needs time to cool off.
So since realizing this, I've tried a whole new approach with Kynz. Even if I know what she's about to say, I listen to the entirety of it. Start to finish. Even if my eyes are bugging out of my head because she's taking 5 minutes to explain the same dang thing over and over. And when she gets all worked up mid-sentence, I reassure her, and say "I'll wait for you." When she's done, I repeat what she said (in a shortened version of course) and then I address it. Holy cow what a change I've seen in this girl since doing this. I can finally stand being in the same room as her! I know that sounds horrible but I'm just being real here. Don't act like yoh haven't felt that way before as a parent. We all have.
I'm finally starting to find joy in my daughter. Granted she's still doing some whining, but Rome wasn't built in a day. We're making progress and that's all that matters.
So I want to encourage you to get to the root of the problem. WHY is your kid doing what they're doing? Do you make them feel respected and heard? Or are you making them feel belittled and lost in the shuffle?
Along with this, we are putting more time and effort into her. We are reading to her more, playing with her more, talking to her about her feelings and her day, etc. We are functioning as a family unit, a team. And man we have missed each other.
