Lately

It has come to my realization recently that I like routine. Which kinda stinks because that can get pretty boring. But whatever.
So Makynzie's routine at 7.5 months is....


Between 7-7:30 she wakes up, She watches cartoons while I get dressed and make her a bottle. Then I get her dressed and give her her reflux medicine and vitamin d. At 9am she gets breakfast. Which is usually a pureed fruit with Mixed Grains or Oatmeal mixed in it (I rotate them.) But now I'm starting to give her some table food with it, like cut up bananas, kiwi, blueberries, raspberries, avacado, etc. At 10am she goes down for a nap. If she wakes up I give her 15-20 min to fuss it out and fall back asleep. If she doesn't, I get her up. At noon she gets a bottle. She goes down for her second nap when it's been 3 hours after she woke up from the previous one. She gets another bottle at 4ish and then take a short nap in the early evening, usually around 5. We don't let her sleep any later than 6. When she gets up she gets dinner, which is usually a pureed vegetable, meat, and barley or rice cereal mixed in. But now I'm introducing table foods like peas, bread, green beans, noodles, etc. Then we give her her night's dose of reflux medicine and offer her a bottle around 7:30 but she usually only drinks about half of it. Then she goes down for bed at 8. If she wakes up in the night we let her cry it out, which happens between 4am and 5am almost every morning. But she only fusses for about 5 minutes and then knocks back out.


So anyways! That's where we're at. Aside from that- I have found a new hobby that I can't. get. enough. of. Couponing. It's so simple and I have already saved us hundreds in the last 2 months. The only thing I need to work on is not buying something JUST because it's a good deal. Like did I really need those 4 cans of crushed pineapple? Probably not. Now that my friend Melissa told me about Coupon Mom, I have that do all the work for me but I didn't used to. So all I did was this:


1- I decided where I'm going to shop. I chose Harris Teeter and CVS because we live a stone's throw from them and that way I only use a small amount of gas when I go grocery shopping. And if I walk I can but I just haven't had the energy lately. Therefore the only inserts in the Sunday paper that I keep are CVS and the circulars (Red Plum, Smart Source, and P&G.) All the other inserts get thrown away.


2- Every Sunday I went to Harris Teeter's site and made my shopping list based off of what's on sale in the weekly specials.


3- Then I went through the coupons and clipped the coupons that went with the weekly specials.


Having said that, now I just use Coupon Mom. Thanks Melissa!
And Shane and Kynzie come with me when I shop so that Shane and I are on the same page as far as what's a deal, and what's not. For example, if I see that the generic brand of toilet paper is cheaper than what it will cost after I use my coupon on the Charmin, I get the generic.


But this is SO addicting! I totally get a rush at the checkout line every time. :o) I'm also keeping track of how much I save every trip so I can keep myself motivated when I don't feel like couponing. (Which hasn't happened yet)


Shane and I do several things to save money. We only turn on the heat/ac when absolutely necessary. We combine our errands in a way to save gas. We don't wash each article of clothing after a single use. We don't eat out. Ever. We have date nights in instead of date nights out. We save change. We buy everything we need for Makynzie used. I make her food. etc. So couponing is just another way to save!

Get it now. Don't think about it. Do it.

You will understand the title if you are a fan of "The Office."
Anyway, there's nothing I love more than blogs other moms post listing stuff that makes their lives with babies easier. Then I buy the recommended items and Aha! They make my life easier as well. I also want to remember these items for my future bambinos and I have horribleterrible memory so hopefully this will help as long as I remember I documented them on here....

This item is the bee's knees. I am borrowing it from my sister in law and it's such a blessing to my mommy life. I can put Kynz in it and watch the Ellen show clean the apartment or pee without a baby whining at me playing with the lotion bottle on the floor mat. But I'm a strong believer in buying nothing new when you have a baby. They will outgrow it in 5.443756 minutes and you can buy it used for a small fraction of the price at a consignment sale with twice as many germs as it would have new. And germs are good. :-)


Jump for Lights and Music Jumperoo


This next one looks like a huge gimmick/dog toy but I assure you it is not. Makynzie gets so excited over this thing she probably pees herself (can't see through the diaper to know for sure), it calms her "They are driving me to Baby Torture Land" car seat anxiety and soothes her teething pains. Who can say "no thanks" to all that? Also, my dogs now have another goal to mark off their bucket list. I think it goes something like this, "Chew the pillow corners, eat my weight in table scraps, lick every inch of the coffee table, shed every hair on my body, GET A HOLD OF SOFIE THE GIRAFFE." Buy it for your dog baby and you will see what I mean. You will.



Sofie the Giraffe Teether


This thing keeps Kynz occupied for 10-15 minutes at a time. Only downside is it's incredibly messy so we put a bib on her and keep wipes handy when we give it to her. And the only food that's mushy enough to work really well with it is bananas. Avocados probably would work well too but she doesn't care for them.


Mesh Teething Baby Feeder



If you have a baby who thinks the car seat is straight out of hell itself, this toy will help make hell a little more bearable. Betcha didn't know that was possible. It is with this thing. Granted the baby in the picture needs to have Go-go gadget arms to reach it with how high it's cruel parents placed it....




Bright Starts Hop Along Carrier Toy Bar



And the last thing I'll leave you with is this obnoxious talking dog. You hook her up to the computer and program your baby's name, favorite food, color, and pick from a wide variety of songs it will play. The dog sounds demonic when it says "Kynzie" but whatever, it makes her smile. And it plays like 5 different lullabies to put her to sleep. You'll know why I call it obnoxious when you hear it hiccup. But you win, Violet. You are a good thing.




Leap Frog My Pal Violet



So there ya have it. Now your baby daddies can't hate me. I bet if Shane had a quarter for every time I have said, "But we have to get it for her! So-and-so highly recommends it and it got great reviews!" we would be able to actually afford the gimmicks cool stuff I find. Get it now. Don't think about it. Do it.

Our Wedding

I need to vent a little so bear with me.

Our wedding was perfect. It was simple, casual, fun, and relaxed. So many things went wrong that no one noticed. Which is so funny to me. Like I failed to put 2 or 3 people up on the seating chart (one of which got bitter over it which is really stupid), I couldn't find my keys for like 20 minutes before getting into my dress, I got lipstick all over my dress, I didn't have a toss bouquet, the wagon with the wedding party in it circled around the guests twice instead of stopping where we were supposed to take pictures, I almost forgot to grab my bouquet from Amber for the processional, whoever had my vows didn't remember to give them to the pastor so my brother had to run them up to the dock at the last second, the ringbearers refused to walk down the aisle, silas & kynzie went down the aisle to my song, shane and i held hands when we were supposed to link arms, i was stressing because apparently there was some provocative dancing and wardrobe issues on the dance floor, shane and i stood behind the mike instead of in front of it, the beer was out before we even got back from pictures (thanks to the guys who just stood by the bar and guzzled so the rest of the guests couldn't have any, including the bride & groom. nice.), makynzie wasn't handed to us for the processional or the reception entrance, and i could probably go on and on. But these things seriously didn't matter. Our day was perfect. We had a blast.

Having said that, we are so glad it's over. :-) We were so tired of planning and there was so much drama. I was running around with my head cut off when all I wanted was to just enjoy the day. Yep, people are mad at me for petty reasons. We didn't sit at their table long enough, they didn't hold Kynzie long enough, they were seated next to someone they didn't like, they didn't see us while they were in town except for the wedding day, we didn't invite their 5th cousin (exaggeration), etc etc. My response: cry about it. Just kidding. But seriously. My feelings were super hurt the week following. A LOT of "friends'" true colors came out. People didn't show up, people made obvious lies as to why they couldn't make it, people were rude, and some people had no class. Friends even LEFT because the beer ran out.
Unnamed "friend": Hey we're leaving
Shane & I: Oh really? How come? The reception just started!
"Friend": (in a "duh" tone) There's no more beer....
Ok cool. The door is right there. And while you're at it, suck my big toe.

We moved from Hendersonville to get away from the drama. About a month before the wedding we were nostalgic. We missed "Hendo" and the familiarity of it all. Yea.... needless to say we had a lot of reminders while we were there as to why we moved in the first place.

But whatever. All that to say, the venue was breath-taking, our photographer was incredible, and the day was exactly what we envisioned for our dream wedding. Thank you to everyone who had a hand in that.

I remember what sleep is!

I am on top of the world. Like I suddenly feel like I just might be a good thing for my daughter. Just kidding... kind of... not really. But my sweet, horrible sleeper, adorable child slept through the night. I think I hear angels singing. I finally have a glint of hope that maybe I will see sleep again. (45 Minute Intruder, don't you dare read this and ruin this for me.)

The last few days have gone something like this:
-Thursday I have an epiphane. Maybe, just maybe, my child needs consistency. (Durrrr) Maybe she needs a schedule. Not just a pattern, but a schedule. (If that word could show up on this page in gold and flash and twinkle, I would totally do it. But alas it will not, so red lettering will have to do.) Anycrap, back to my life-changing epiphane. Maybe Shane and I need to stop being selfish and adjust our lives to our daughter's needs rather than our own. That would just be craaaaazy as parents, right? Well.... I ran with this. I said Ok Shane, here's the deal (No I am not bossy. Ok maybe a lot- But my husband just happens to be very go-with-the-flow and he totally trusts my mothering and is just as red-eyed and sleep-deprived as I am):
She gets up at 7. She nurses at 7, then eats her fruit & oatmeal at 8. She goes down for a nap at 8:30. She is up at 9:30 (yes I believe in waking a sleeping baby). She nurses at 11 and is down for her second nap at 11:30. She is up at 1:30. She nurses at 3. She goes down for her last nap at 3:30. She is up at 5. She eats her veggies & rice at 5. She nurses at 7. She goes to bed at 8 and gets a dream feed at 11 before I go to bed. And that sounds complicated but it's actually pretty simple. She nurses every 4 hours and goes down for each nap 2 hours after waking from the previous one. NO exceptions.

You read right. That has meant: When our friends ask us to hang out at 7pm, we are home by 7:45 to put Makynzie down for bed.  When our friends ask us to go to lunch at 11am, we regretfully decline because Kynzie takes her nap at 11:30. If she is to be in the car for more than 20 minutes, it has to be after 3:30. When she goes down for sleep, we do the same thing each time. I change her diaper, close the curtains, put her in her sleep sack, give her a paci, turn on the fan, read her 2 books, lay her on her tummy in the crib, kiss her eye lids (she loves that), and walk out. That seems like a lot but it's only like a 7 minute process. I read in several moms' blogs that it's important to help the baby relax before going down. So true. I can't put her down to sleep after doing the most exciting thing ever with her. Also, I keep her brain busy between each nap. I read to her a lot, I give her a commentary on everything we do AND why we do it, we go for walks, we go to the pool, we sit at the window and talk about everything going on outside, she "helps" me clean, she has tummy time, she works on sitting by herself, she has time to play independently while I do something else, etc.

I know what you're thinking- "You need to be flexible, babies need to also adjust to your schedule." and "Wow Katy, you're like a drill sargeant." Yes and no. See, Shane and I used to say those things. While I was pregnant we said we would bring the portable crib wherever we went and put Kynz down when she got tired, and she would adjust to our plans, etc. In a perfect world, yea that would be great. But that crap just doesn't work. It just doesn't. It has taken me this long to get over the fact that we had Kynzie unplanned. So inevitably, she is going to change our lives whether we were ready for a kid or not. And I have to be careful not to resent her for that.

I also gave her 4 oz of formula last night at 7pm and 11pm and she slept from 8pm til 6am. What the what? Yea it was amazing. When I woke up at 5am and frantically checked the monitor, only to see her sleeping- I felt so overwhelmed with how proud I was of her that I couldn't go back to sleep for like 30 minutes. Shane even said, "Is she still asleep???!" and I said, "Yes!! She is!!" So to recap, with our new-found schedule, her naps have been longer and less dramatic, her mood has improved while she is awake, and she is eating better. Granted we have had to turn down some plans with friends, but they totally understand and it's so worth it. We are well-rested today and better parents because of it.

SUCCESS. (Here's to hoping this sticks....)

Ode to Coffee

Coffee makes me the productive person I should be. It's so hard to grasp because I hate things like caffeine, sugar, medicine, junk food, etc. But I found something that makes me productive and positive. And that's like liquid gold to me.

Things coffee has helped me accomplish today:
- Try all Kynzie's outfits on her to see what still fits
- Go through her old stuff for things friends have said they need
- Switch out all her books
- Clean
- Make a Wish List
- Make a budget list
- Find fall crafts I want to do
- Play with Kynz outside
- Break out some of my fall decor

And it's only 2pm ladies and gents. I'm unstoppable.

"I do. There. Ok let's move on...."

I will try so hard not to mutter those words on my wedding day. I will also try really hard not to put a paper bag over my head or take too many shots before walking down the aisle. I should have just included an insert with the invitations that said "Terms and Conditions: I will NOT look at the bride the entire day of the wedding. Do you accept these terms and conditions? Ok you can come." I.......HATE..... THIS.
I hate tradition. I hate formality. And I hate big groups of people. Ok now what does that spell??! W-E-D-D-I-N-G.Yep not a fan. I begged, BEGGED Shane for a courtroom wedding. Who can beat getting married for only twenty bucks? Shot down. So we have done our very best to make this overrated party casual. "*CASUAL DRESS" is in the invitation, lawn games, cattle, and a keg of Blue Moon will be included. The wedding party is wearing flip flops, the girls will be in Walmart sundresses (that's how I roll), and the dudes will be wearing polos. I will not have a veil, we will not have a wedding cake, and I will not be walking down the aisle to a classical version of Canon in D. Sorry folks. Not my style.
I am dreading this day without dreading this day. I can't wait to marry my best friend and reunite with old family and friends. All the other stuff are just details and will probably go unnoticed. Do you un-married people realize the decisions that go into a wedding? Holy geez. "Kate what color do you want this to be? What size do you want this to be? How many of these do you want? Where do you want him/her to stand? How will you do this? What time will this be?" AHHHHHH!!! Let's just wing it and pretend like we all know what we're doing. Bless my mother. She is working so hard and it's her top priority to see to it that I have my dream wedding. But Mom, my dream wedding is in the courthouse. ;-) Just kidding. Kind of. The stress is not so much from this stuff for me. The stress is what will we do with the dogs? Will Kynzie sleep? Will people realize "Oh, that baby has stranger anxiety. I should WALK AWAY."? Will people try to feed my baby their food? (Don't you dare.) Will the guests be comfortable? Will they feel awkward around people they don't know? Will they like the food? Will they notice how unorganized we are? Will they get our sense of humor?

So here's to you Wedding Day, you win.

Wowzers

Yep, wowzers. I was just thinking this morning about all the stuff we do out of habit to keep costs down and save money. Here's what I came up with off the top of my head:

- Try to use ALL the food we have before we buy more. Which at times means getting creative.
- Using coupons & Weekly Specials for grocery shopping
- Running as many errands as possible at once and using places that are on the way to save gas.
- "If it's yellow let it mellow...."
- Taking quick, luke warm showers
- Only using half the recommended amount of dishwasher soap and laundry detergent (soon I will be making our own)
- Wearing clothes twice unless dirty
- Watering down juice (Shane gets sooo mad at me when I don't do this)
- Breastfeeding & cloth diapers
- Keeping the a/c warmer than we'd like
- Turning lights off when not in use
- Re-using ziploc bags

Right now that's all I can think of. What do you do to save money??

Nowhere Near Perfect and Shouldn't be Trying

I think one of the biggest things women struggle with is envy. I will be the first to admit that I do. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. That jealous jerk that lives in your head and is constantly starting each thought with "I wish I had..." or "If I was more like her..." Yep see, now you know what I mean and you can totally relate. Do [straight] guys think these things? Probably not in the same way. I doubt they look at other guys' shoes and say "Oh man if I only had his shoes..." I know Shane will be the first to tell you that he often thinks, "Man I wish we had more money so we could have a house like (insert name here)" but it's just not quite the same.

If I had a quarter for every time I decided I wanted something or to change my personality to be more like (again insert name here), I would be filthy rich. I constantly find myself doing this lately and it's always when we're hurting for money. If we really went green with envy, I would be the truest, nastiest green you can imagine. Allow me to get this all out and bid it adieu. I want nicer shoes, enough clothes so I don't have to wear the same thing twice a week, a nicer car that has awesome air conditioning, some kind of toy or furniture for my daughter that we don't have to give back to whoever loaned it to us, lots of food to fill our pantry so I don't have to ask Shane things like, "What can we make with peanut butter, ketchup, rice, and spaghetti noodles?" (Yes, "barf" is right.)

But that's not the worst of it. It's much more of a problem when this jealous jerk attacks my desire for personality changes. I want to be funny like her, more social like her, a better cook like her, domestic like her, creative like her, etc etc etc. I'm drowning in these thoughts. Granted, I always catch myself thinking these things and say to myself, "Nope. Tonight I'm me." But somehow Jealous Jerk always creeps back in.

Please join me in trying to accept ourselves. Not just accepting but LIKING who we are. I can bet that the people we are trying to be more like are doing the exact same thing and wish they were more like someone else. We all have our insecurities, but we won't truly be happy until we look these insecurities straight in the eye and tell them to shove it.

4 Hour Coma

I want a nap. Like a real one. Not one where I'm worried about my daughter and wake up every hour. I want a real 4 hour nap where I'm sleeping so deep I may as well be in a coma.

This week has sucked some major big toes. Maybe 2 weeks ago, I had my first "BAD" day in a while. I was taking the trash to the dumpster, and thought the diaper dekor bag was tied tight enough. You see where this is going?? My child was having a I-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it moment screaming in the car seat as I unloaded the diapers. As I was pulling it out of the car, the end opened and TONS of diapers spilled out onto the road. Kynz had a bad diaper rash, so we were using disposables day & night at this time, so there were even more than usual! As I bent over and picked them up off the road, I went to stand up and suh-lammed my head on the car door knocking me over in front of everyone at our apartment leasing office. Awesome. The day only got worse.

However, yesterday was pretty odd. Wednesday night we had Shane's redneck birthday at my parents' house which is 30 minutes from our's. (Our apartment is currently packed in boxes.) and we ended up staying the night there because we didn't feel like waking our sleeping baby and heading home at 11pm. I had scheduled a 9:40 appointment for Makynzie because she had symptoms of an ear infection. I set my alarm for 8am and totally forgot to tell my phone "Yes, I'd like to set my alarm to (ON)". I needed to leave my mom's at 8:30 so I could run the dogs home (30 minutes away) and then take Makynz to her appointment (15 minutes away). Needless to say, my alarm didn't go off. I woke up at 8:20 and Kynzie was STILL sleeping (NEVER happens until we have to be somewhere early.) I quickly packed the car, hoped the dogs didn't have to pee, and headed home. I got to her appointment 10 minutes late but they usually make us wait for 354578654786 minutes after her appointment time so I didn't feel too bad about being late for the first time ever. After 45 minutes of trying to keep my child calm, the doctor came in and diagnosed her with an ear infection, and said that babies who get them before 6 months are prone to get many of them. SUPER. In order to diagnose her, he had to get the wax out of her ears to see in them better. He may as well have been slapping her in the face. She was giving out the exact same scream she did when she got her shots. (Yes I am a horrible, awful mother who has chosen to vaccinate her child.) As soon as he said I could soothe her I swooped in and held her against my chest and put my cheek to her's. Somewhere amongst her sweet whimpers, she fell asleep on my chest and even stayed asleep as I transferred her into the car seat. Ughhh I love her so much.

SoI got home after Makynzie's appointment and laid her down for a nap. Baby girl KNOCKED OUT. An hour and a half into her nap I decided I'd lay down to take a nap too. I didn't bother setting an alarm because I needed to get up for MY doctor appointment in an hour and a half and she never takes naps longer than 2.5 hours so I'd be good and get up in plenty of time to feed her, change her, and take the dogs out to pee. Shane called and woke me up. Thank God he did because Makynzie hadn't woken up yet and I had to be at the doctor in 20 minutes!! Oh crap. So I jumped up, got her from the crib, and looked for my keys. Crap again. Where are my keys?? I looked EVERYwhere. I finally decided I had locked them in the car for the first time and Shane was going to kill me. So I started calling the doctor's office to cancel my appointment. As I was calling I realized I hadn't checked the key rack. Keyword: KEY rack. (No pun intended there.) And lo and behold, there my keys hung, laughing at me. I called the doctor's office and told them I would be late. However they neglected to answer the phone so I left a voicemail frantically that went something like this, "Ummmm hi! This is Kaitlyn Baehr...... I am running late..... Get in the RIGHT lane if you're gonna go slow buddy!!.... Oh yea, This is Kaitlyn Baehr.... I'll be there like 10 minutes late.... Please don't give me a fee...... Kynzie it's ok we're almost there baby.... Oh yeah, Ok bye." I got there and signed in and sat down. The nurse came out into the waiting room. "Makynzie?"  Well that's cool someone else here is named Makynzie too. "Makynzie??" Looking around the room I realized there was no one else in the room. Ugh. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I signed my daughter in instead of myself!" Nice huh. And now today is starting off with NO sleep, Kynz kept me up allllll night long. And I am being harassed by someone on Craigslist who will NOT STOP EMAILING ME. GO AWAY!!! I am not a C word, I am not over 200 pounds, my TV is in excellent condition, No my house is not a "pig pen"...... just GO AWAY.

I need a 4 hour coma.

A Love as Deep as This

My Kynzie Girl,


I should be folding laundry right now.... but I have the rest of my life to do laundry. I'm trying very hard as I raise you to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each minute with you every single day. Everything else can wait, and my whole world dims when I embrace a moment with you. I am overwhelmed with love for you right now. I thought I fully understood love before you came along, but it turns out I had no idea what an unconditional, deep, painful love was. It's official. I am crazy about you and I can't get enough of you. I put you down for a nap or bed, and 10 minutes later I just want to watch you sleep or wake you up to talk to you and show you new things. When I met you I instantly loved you, but it was nothing like this. I loved you at first I think just because I was supposed to. I didn't know you. For a while you were just like any other baby to me. But now I have learned you. I know what makes you mad, what makes you smile, and what interests you. Your little big personality is really starting to come out and the love I have for you is seriously hurting me. It hurts horribly to love someone this much and I have never known that feeling before. Whenever I think of you growing up I find myself crying hysterically. Some day a boy will break your heart, a "friend" will make fun of you, you will move away, and there will be times you don't like me. This kills me.

I am learning so much about you. When you cry, you are tired or want Mommy. You still won't let any one else hold you (sometimes Grandma and Jordan :)) but that's ok. You hate going to sleep because you don't want to miss a thing. You LOVE hugs and eating. :-) You would eat all day long if I let you. You get so excited over the smallest things and it reminds me to stop and take a breath in those busy days. You have shown me how strong I am, and also my weak points. You have taught me what tough love is, how to be selfless, and that it's ok if I'm not always in control of everything.

I will ALWAYS be here for you. I will support you in every decision you ever make, even if I don't agree with it. And I will always make the best decisions I possibly can for you. I will be your friend when you need one, I will listen to your problems, and hold you when a stupid boy breaks your heart. I will tell you I love you a million times a day. I will give you the best advice and answers I can, and I promise to be honest and say "I don't know", when I don't. I will ask you how your day was, and truly care about the answer.

Not only do I love you, I also like you. You are so smart, sweet, and beautiful. Don't ever forget how much I love you, because I will never stop loving you.

Mommy

Inside The Mind Of The Overwhelmed

Let's see if Shane's piece of crap laptop will stay cool enough for ten minutes and refrain from freezing so I can update this thing.

Holy August. Next month will introduce a new job and a new apartment. New apartment= yay!!! New job= ohmygoshwhatifidontgivemydaughterenoughoneononetime..... I watched Colin, now 8 weeks old for the first time yesterday. "This will be so easy" I thought. "I nannied twins infants for 10 months, Kynzie is super easy to take care of, I have permission to let Colin cry it out, piece of cake." Ok maybe some of that holds water... However, a new realization came to mind as my daughter was in the crib crying and Colin was in my arms screaming, refusing a bottle. Am I robbing my child of the one-on-one attention she needs? Will she know that no one, NO ONE, can ever take her place, including this new baby I am cheating on her with? Shane walked in the door at that time and before even a sweet hello, I said "Do you want to console Kynz or hold Colin?" Ha! Poor guy. Thank God he loves babies. He was so quick to go soothe Kynzie and then get Colin settled for me. Then this morning I had a good thought. Is it good for Kynz to consume every bit of my attention throughout the day? No. Is it selfish for moms to have a second child and share their time with the two kids? No. In fact, if Shane has it his way, I will be pregnant again when Makynzie turns one. afkjaskjgsfgkljg. oh my geez. Granted I will only be watching both bambinos for 3.5 days a week, the rest of the days I am solely Kynzie's. So I am excited. I am thankful for more income and the chance to be a positive impact in these sweet babies' lives and the opportunity to give my child a friend while she is so young. This will be good for her.....? Excuse the question mark, I meant, this will be good for her.

On another note, we are moving into a bigger, nicer, THREE bedroom apartment!! Woohoo! And the famous Cassie & Drew Jackson will be our neighbors and can babysit come hang out with us more often! ;-) They are the cat's meow.


Last but not least, I am so incredibly, ridiculously, immensely terrified of my wedding day. I'm not even thinking "What Ifs". For example, "what if I trip", "what if my dad steps on my dress", "what if I have to pee" have not even entered my mind. Well, I guess they have now.... SUPER. It's more or less, "Oh my gosh, everyone's going to be looking at me... just ME, 100+ people just staring at me...." I haaaaaate being the center of attention. Thank God Shane lives for it. If you know me, I am shy until I get to know you and then I'm really outgoing, but I don't do well under pressure. I am excited about how fun our wedding will be. I am looking forward to the dancing, and I really hope Shane and I's sense of humor comes out through our choice in music, words, and actions on this day. We have truly put our we-can't-be-serious-to-save-our-lives touch on this wedding, and I want everyone to have a good time. I keep saying I hope our guests have fun, laugh, are comfortable, etc etc and Shane has to keep reminding me that this is OUR day. Who cares what everyone else thinks?? Well, I do. So even if my wedding sucks, you better lie to me and say it couldn't have been better. I'll leave you with that threat..... :)

Cest La Vie

I have spent the last year or so wishing I was someone else, wishing my circumstances were different, my choices were better, and frankly, that I'd find a thousand bucks. If I had a quarter for every time Shane and I have said "We need...." or "I want...." or, "Someday we will be able to afford....", I wouldn't be saying those things because I would be rolling in it. I'm so tired of money consuming my thought life, leaving me in tears wondering which bills we should pay on time and how we're going to afford an eye infection or clothes for Kynzie. Now, the intention of this post is not at all for sympathy. Our choices have gotten us here, and now we are digging ourselves out of this hole we have created. The first year of our relationship we lived in Shane's grandmother's summer house, paying no rent or utilities. We easily could have been saving hundreds a month. Instead that went toward going out, throwing parties, and getting wasted. We realize we were foolish, and now we have to pay for that. So what do you do when you're so tired of being the one friends offer to pay for, living paycheck to paycheck hoping that at some point you'll get a break, and being unable to save any because not a dime is left over after everything is paid off? I guess you keep on truckin... I'm tired of my fiance' leaving at 6 in the morning and coming home when Makynzie is going to bed. I'm tired of job hunting while my baby is taking her naps. I'm tired of turning friends down for going out even if it's simply driving somewhere because we don't have the gas money. I'm tired of looking around the apartment and trying to figure out what we can sell and do without. And I'm so so tired of crying with Shane and losing sleep over it.

Then I had a reality check. I know it's so cliche', but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" came on tv the other night and I found myself in tears. A family of 9 had just lost their dad to a sudden heart attack and I can't believe the condition of the home they were living in. Only one burner worked on the stove, there was water damage throughout the entire house, and kids were sleeping on the floor. Wow. I did a self-evaluation. Is my situation really that bad? Sure we struggle to pay rent at times, but for 13 months now, not a single bill has been late. So many times I have turned to Shane crying with less than a hundred bucks in the bank and said, "How are we going to make it til next Friday?" But we have. Time and time again, we have. With the help of family and friends, we are surviving and we have no reason not to be happy. We have a happy, healthy baby who adores us, a roof over our head, and food in our bellies every day. I have no idea how we make it each month, but we do and that's what matters. It's ok that we can't go out with our friends, it's ok that we have to look for food deals, and occassionally ask for an extension on a bill. Because that's where we're at right now. Shane is always saying "Katy it won't always be like this." And I have a really hard time believing that. But I need to have hope and believe that it won't. Being thankful is a conscious choice, and from here on out, that's what I am choosing.

My Girl

To my #1 Fan,

It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Your little big smiles melt my heart and dim everything else going on around me. You are so precious to me and I have never felt love like this. I would name off your favorite things, but there's only one- Mommy. We certainly have a bond that no one has been able to break. I often get irritated when you don't want any one else to hold you and when you see me from across the room and it's game over. But I shouldn't. I should cherish that. Because if you turn out to be anything like the teenager I was, you won't truly appreciate me again until you're in your twenties. I should consider it my reward. I am wanted and needed, and that's what everyone longs for in life.

I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.

The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.

Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)

I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy

Thangs I've Larn'd

Things I've Learned About Myself:

-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)

- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?

-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.

- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.

- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!

.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.

Marriage Quiz (in my case we will call it a "Almost-married Quiz")

1. What are your middle names? Earl and Claire. Our parents don't love us.

2. How long have you been together? 2 years

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years

4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me

5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine

6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.

7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix

8. Did you go to the same school? yep

9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.

10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden

11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!

12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.

13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.

14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.

15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.

17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair

18. Who hogs the bed? Me again

19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.

20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"

21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.

22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all

23. Who eats more? Me

24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.

25. Who does the laundry? Me.

26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane

27. Who drives when you are together? Shane

28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together

29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)

31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us

32. Who eats more sweets? Shane

33. Who is more adventurous? Me

34. Who is more romantic? both of us

35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"

36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between

Crying it Out

My life the past 10 weeks has been a blur. When I was 36 weeks pregnant I was just ready to get the show on the road. I was thinking of hobbies I could start once baby girl got here, because I thought I would be so bored. HA! Then 2 weeks after she was born I found myself bawling over her saying "I'm sorry Kynzie I don't know what to do for you, I'm so sorry (blubber blubber blubber)"I hated my new role as Mommy. Having kids had been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. And it wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I was responding to her every cry. I was going all day without eating, peeing, and having a baby in my arms at all times. Which I never saw coming because when I was a nanny to the twins at only 2 months old, I let them cry it out piece of cake! Yea well... not so easy when it's my own "perfect little angel" who can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes.

A few weeks ago I decided enough was enough. I couldn't function like this any longer. I wasn't getting sleep for days on end, and I was hungry. :) I had NO control over my 7 week old daughter and she was calling the shots. So I let her cry in the crib as I sobbed while I did the dishes and tried to keep busy. At the time she had blood in her stool (which we have now figured out was the dairy in my diet. So long dairy!) and I decided after a day of letting her cry that it didn't feel right to me while she was having a health problem. So we stopped.

Well, since then the blood is gone and Shane has been begging me to try it again. So yesterday morning when she was fussing on her play mat and immediately stopped when I picked her up, I realized she had learned cause and effect. It's now very obvious that she knows "If I cry, Mommy picks me up." So back to crying it out we go! After crying for 15 minutes yesterday, she slept an hour and a half. And I too, am doing surprisingly well with it. Shane only held me once while I sobbed. :) I pee when I need to, I eat when I'm hungry, dinner is on the table when Shane gets home, the apartment is back to sparkling clean, and I am the parent in control. She cried for 10 minutes this morning and slept for 45. I decided when the nap starts, and I decide when it ends. Her schedule is flexible but is usually:
7am first feeding, wake time for 1 hour, down for a nap.
10am feeding, wake time, nap
1pm feeding, wake time, nap
4pm feeding, wake time, nap
7pm feeding, down for bed
9pm feeding, back to bed
and then I feed every 3 hours if she needs it until morning.

Every 10 minutes I go in, kiss her, tell her I love her, and walk out. Then after 40 minutes if she is still crying, I check her diaper, burp her, and lay her back down.

I have my sanity back and though it's hard to hear her cry, it's best that she learns to soothe herself to sleep. So glad I tried it. I now LOVE being her mommy and am enjoying every single second with her. :)

Makynzie's Birth Story

Whew, this is going to be difficult to recall and type out. Not only because I have a sleeping newborn in my lap, but also because I am a basket case of emotions today. But I have a lot of people asking for Kynzie's birth story and I know I will want to remember it all someday so I need to type it out while I can still remember the details. So here goes...

Though I'm not completely positive exactly when I went into labor, I want to say it was Monday night. I went to bed experiencing dull contractions. They didn't hurt, but my belly would tighten up and get as hard as a rock. At the time I had no idea they were contractions. I was texting Jennifer Kehoe and Jen Quirk telling them exactly what I was feeling and what I should do about it. I was telling myself over & over again that they weren't the real thing and the true test would be going to sleep and seeing if they kept me up or if I could sleep through them. I totally slept through them. Shane and I were so disappointed the next morning. I went through the next day having contractions anywhere from one minute to thirty minutes apart. They still didn't hurt. When they went away I would get super upset. I was so tired of being pregnant. They continued through the night and then Wednesday they got pretty intense. I was scheduled to be induced that night so Shane took the day off so he could clean and get the apartment ready for the baby and his family. At this point they felt like much more than an intense period cramp. My entire belly would get so hard that it wasn't round when I was contracting, it was a square and I remember joking with Shane about it. They got to be pretty painful and started coming much closer together, though still random. I told Shane I thought we should go to the doctor because I had a feeling it was the real thing though I still wasn't sure. Ya know how they say "Oh you'll know when it's the real thing."? Yea.... I never did. We went to the doctor and she confirmed that I was in "early, early labor" but I was still completely closed. She told us to go home and walk like crazy to get things progressing and come back in at 4:00. We went out to eat at a nearby Mexican restaurant and I remember saying to Shane "Isn't it crazy I'm in labor right now and no one in this room knows??! I wonder how often that happens!" Then we went home, walked, I showered, cleaned, hung out with Shane's sister, etc. We went back in and much to my disappointment, I had made zero progress. They told me we would keep the induction appointment at 6:30. So we went home again and this time got our bags and loaded up the car.

We were so excited on our way to the hospital. I remember Shane being super giddy talking to the nurses and hospital staff as I checked in. We finally got our room and waited about an hour for the nurse to come in. She said that around 9pm we would start a foley bulb. The plan was that I would get the foley bulb and then some Ambien so that I could get a good night's sleep as they were going to start the Pitocin in the morning. They put in the bulb (surprisingly it didn't hurt at all) and they said they would bring me the Ambien whenever I was ready for it. I wanted to make it til at least 10:30 so that I could see the new "16 and Pregnant" episode. :) It got to be about 10:00 and I was having horrible back pain. I asked the nurse for something for the pain. She gave it to me, and let me tell ya, I was high as a kite. It felt like I had just smoked a bowl. Shane and I played Phase 10 and I tried my best to act coherent. I knocked out after a couple hours and the nurse said it was too late to do Ambien because I would be too hungover in the morning. I woke up at about 2am and there was NO going back to sleep. I was having insane back pain and my contractions were really starting to hurt. The nurse came back in at 5am (after not checking on me all night) and said we may as well start the Pitocin if I was awake anyway. So they started me on a really low dose. At this point I was in a looooot of pain. They took me off the Pit because I was making enough progress on my own.

By 8am I was in ridiculous pain. My mom came to lend support. She held one hand while Shane held the other. I am a complete wimp so I'm still surprised how calm I stayed during my contractions. I concentrated hard on my breathing. I need to add that Shane was an amazing coach. My coping mechanism was to breathe in long and slow, and like an owl, say "oooooooo" as I breathed out. I probably sounded ridiculous. I remember looking at Shane and asking him if he thought I should keep going naturally or get the epidural so I could enjoy our daughter's labor. I decided to get the epi. And later thanked GOD I did. I was completely pain-free til about 2pm. Shane and I played Phase 10, watched tv, and joked around during that time. But around 2pm I started having excruciating back pain. I mean the worst pain I could ever imagine. So they started a bolus a few times to help me through the pain. And they helped but the pain was still unbearable. I was holding tightly onto Shane and my mom and crying and screaming through the back pain.

Finally my nurse came in at about 9pm and checked me one last time. I was 7cm but Kynzie still hadn't come down the birth canal and was sunny side up. She was facing my pubic bone instead of my butt and I was spiking a fever. The midwife gave me two options, "You can wait another hour and see if she turns and comes down. And if she doesn't, you'll have an emergency C-section and she will have to be in the NICU for a couple days. Or you can just have a C-section right now." So we decided on the C-section right then. Shane was so terrified of surgery that he started bawling. I had had surgery several times in the past and was just ready to get the baby out and be out of pain. They told me I wouldn't feel anything but pressure during the procedure. They said my surgeon would be the one on call and that he was a big teddy bear and known for how kind and gentle he was. Apparently his other job was artificially inseminating gorillas at the zoo. No joke. So he came in to meet us and we loved him. He was a big black dude with braces and very sweet. :)

They rolled me back to the operating room and during this time Shane got all suited up to come back with me. Poor guy was scared to death and he had to wait for them to prep me for at least 15 minutes. They laid me down stark naked on a super thin operating table. I'm talkin, I felt like if I sneezed, my gigantic pregnant self would roll of the table. It was so awkward laying there in the nude with my arms straight out on each side. Not to mention my legs were still completely numb. They increased the epidural until I could no longer feel the coldness of the alcohol pad on my belly. They finally brought Shane in and he was still super nervous. He kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed anything. I was all smiles because I was just ready to get this baby out of me, and I knew I needed to act strong and completely carefree for Shane. I remember my back pain staying consistent up until the second I felt her pull them out of me. And boy did I feel it. Through the whole surgery I felt pulling, tugging, and horrible pressure on my chest as they pushed her down to pull her out. I can still remember what it felt like when they got her head out. The whole time I had an awesome nurse behind me explaining everything they were doing. I don't know what I would have done without her. I remember her saying "She's out! She's gorgeous." And I kept asking her if Kynzie was ok.

Finally I heard my sweet daughter's cry and started crying myself. Shane said "Katy do you need me to stay here with you or can I go look at her?" and I told him I was fine he could go look at her. My only complaint at that time was the epidural was making my shoulders shake violently and it gave me a horrible knot in my shoulder blade that was throbbing. Shane came back pouring tears with a picture of her on his phone and said "Katy she's beautiful. She's perfect. And she has.....red... hair?" haha. She was blonde, but the blood in her hair made it look strawberry blonde. They brought her over to Shane and he held her cheek against mine. I'll be honest. I was just ready to get off the operating table and get my shoulder to stop throbbing. It took them about 20 minutes to stitch me back up and it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. They wheeled me back to my room and said Kynzie should be bathed and back there by the time we got there. Wrong. We had to wait about an hour and a half. Shane was so impatient, he was asking the nurse if she could go tell them to hurry up. He was mad that it was taking them that long. I really didn't mind at the time because I was still shaking so bad from the meds that I knew I wouldn't be able to hold her for a while. But they eventually brought her in and I forced myself to stop shaking so I could hold her.

At that time I cried over the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I had been in labor for 38 hours and my sweet Makynzie Jude was finally in my arms. I love her so much it hurts.

Makynzie Jude Wilkinson
8 lbs. 20 1/2 inches.
3/16/11 10:07pm

I'm ok with it.

What do these things have in common?

Pineapple
Walking
Castor Oil
Intercourse
Spicy Foods
Primrose Oil
Black & Blue Cohosh
Eggplant
Accupressure
Bouncing on the birthing ball

You might say "Ways to induce labor." And you would be.... wrong. They are ways to PROGRESS labor. It has taken me nearly 2 weeks to come to this realization, regardless of how many people told me. Now, having said that, I have only "tried" 6 of these. In fact, 2 of them I would never think of doing as they could cause serious harm to my baby, and that ain't worth it!
This is my decision to relax and let go. Right now my sweet daughter knows what is best for her better than I do. (You will never hear me say that again ;-)) I am making the conscious decision to believe that she will come when she wants to. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not against induction. My midwife plans to induce me next Friday if I haven't gone into labor by then. Yes, I prefer that she decide when she comes, but my doctor believes it is in her best interest to give her one more week tops.

I am so surprised and disheartened by all of the discouraging, negative, and downright MEAN things other moms have said to me throughout this pregnancy that I am doing everything differently with the next one. Shane and I will be the only ones to know her name, if we're opting for or out of the epidural, if we're cloth diapering, if I'm breastfeeding, etc. If you can't be happy for us, then why share our hopes & plans with you?

Anyway! Back to what I was saying. I am going to try to find some peace and contentment within myself, and say "I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it." You may be reading this thinking I'm overreacting (and maybe I am) but you're not me. I am a very emotional, impatient person and I have a very low tolerance for pain. That's not a good mix for a pregnant woman. Back pain, discomfort, hip pain, her painful movements, waking up in pools of sweat, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, swollen hands & feet, heartburn, sleep deprivation, shortness of breath etc are only a few of the symptoms I'm ready to bid adieu. I realize that having a newborn will be no piece of cake either. But at least I'll have a face to put to this baby's name! :)

Doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it and doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer to have my child in my arms, but I'm still pregnant, and I'm ok with it.

Bored

Shane's doing homework, I'm waiting on brownies in the oven, & I'm super sick of TV. So I stole this from Whitney. Thanks Whit :)

001. Real name → Kaitlyn Claire Baehr

002. Nickname(s)→ Katy

003. Zodiac sign → Libra

004. Male or female → female

005. Elementary → home-schooled

006. Middle School → home-schooled/ faith christian school

007. High School → hcs

008. Hair color → dirty blonde

009. Long or short → medium

010. Loud or Quiet → most people will say Loud

011. Sweats or Jeans → jeans

012. Phone or Camera → camera

013. Health freak → in progress

014. Drink or Smoke? → no smoking

015. Do you have a crush on someone? → yes, his name is gerard

016. Eat or Drink - drink

017. Piercings → ears

018. Tattoos → not yet

HAVE YOU EVER?

019. Been in an airplane→ will be in october!

020. Been in a relationship → married

021. Been in a car accident → three of them

022. Been in a fist fight → nope

FIRSTS:

023. First piercing → ears (13 years old)

024. First best friend → patrick morin, laura beth

025. First award → gymnastics and swimming

026. First crush → I remember it too well, Sascha Peshel

028. First big vacation → Disney World or Pennsylvania

LASTS:

029. Last person you talked to → Benjamin (my son)

030. Last person you texted → Mindy Mayfield

031. Last person you watched a movie with → Derrick and my mom

032. Last food you ate → a donut :)

033. Last movie you watched → Social Network

034. Last song you listened to → Kelly Clarkson - Moment like this

035. Last thing you bought → Redbox movies

036. Last person you hugged → Benjamin again :)

FAVES:

037. Food → Cheesy Gordita Crunch

038. Drinks → SUN DROP!!!

039. Clothing → Rue 21 or Maurices

040. Book → right now... Vampire Academy Series

041. Music → Colbie Caillat and Gavin Degraw

042. Flower → white rose and lilacs

043. Colors → blue

044. Movie → Romeo and Juliet, My Fair Lady, Australia, Harry Potter

045. Positions → Excuse me?

046. Subjects → in school, definitely History

IN 2011..... I:

047. [ ] kissed in the snow

048. [x]celebrated Halloween

049. [ ] had your heart broken

050. [ ] went over the minutes on your cell phone

051. [ ]someone questioned your sexual orientation

052. [ ]came out of the closet

053. [ ] gotten pregnant

054. [ ] had an abortion

055. [x] done something you've regretted.

056. [x] broke a promise

057. [x] hid a secret

058. [x] pretended to be happy

059. [ ] met someone who changed your life

060. [x] pretended to be sick

061. [ ] left the country

062. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

063. [x] cried over the silliest thing

064. [ ] ran a mile

065. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)

066. [ ] stayed single the whole year

CURRENTLY:

067. Eating → nothing

068. Drinking → cranberry juice

069. I'm about to → go to sleep, put Benji back to bed

070. Listening to → Shrek playing on the tv

071. Plans for today → lots, go to tiffs, pick up Gabe, get car title and passports(whew)

072. Waiting for → my faith to prove true

YOUR FUTURE:

073. Want kids? → I have enough thank you :)

074. Want to get married? → Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt :)

075. Careers in mind → Nursing, photography

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?

076. Lips or eyes → eyes.

077. Shorter or taller? → Def taller

078. Romantic or spontaneous → little bit of both

079. Nice stomach or nice arms → Both

080. Sensitive or loud → sensitive but not too sensitive

081. Hook-up or relationship --> relationship

082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → in between

HAVE YOU EVER:

083. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes

084. Ran away from home → Does getting married count? :)

085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → Nope

086. Killed somebody → Hm, no

087. Broken someone's heart → Too many a times

088. Been arrested → Nope

089. Cried when someone died → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

090. Yourself → On occasion

091. Miracles → i do

092. Love at first sight → I did

093. Heaven → yes!

094. Santa Claus → No, but I think it's a fun tradition

095. Sex on the first date → Nope

096. Kiss on the first date → Unfortunately, I have but I do not think it's a good idea

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → I already am with them

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → In some aspects yes. I am happy with the family and friends I have, career not so much. Working on it.

099. Do you believe in God → Yes I do!

Thankful Thursday

I was feeling pretty discouraged this morning after something someone said to me yesterday so I decided I'd list in my head things I have to be thankful for. I was quite surprised at how much I came up with!

- We have a group of friends here that I feel like I have known my whole life. They are warm and accepting, caring, and REAL.

- The only debt we have is my $500 student loan. And not once have we been late on a payment for a single bill.

- Shane just got a dollar raise and his boss is switching him to salary in a few months.

- My fiance' and I can make healthy babies and I can carry them full term. :)

- We have two vehicles that are completely paid off.

- We have spent VERY little money on this baby because we have incredibly supportive friends and family.

- Our apartment could not get any cleaner or more organized.

* So there are definitely more, but I'd say that's a pretty good list from the top of my head. *

:-)

Precious Sleep

One of the things I have always wanted to change about myself is the kind of sleeper I am. LIGHT. I'm a sleep snob. I have to have absolute pitch blackness, and no noise except for the white noise of the fan which I cannot sleep without.

Shane, on the other hand, is the kind of sleeper I want to be. The TV could be blasting, the sun shining on his face, I could be talking to him, and he can just tell himself to go to sleep- and do it in a matter of five minutes. And I'm allowed to hate him for this. :-) Not a night goes by where he doesn't get angry at me for needing the noise of the fan. "Kynzie will NOT be dependent on the fan." He says it will make life harder, like traveling. Because we will always have to bring a fan with us. And I guess he's right. So I tried a few times throughout the pregnancy to ween myself from my "fan-dependency," but halfway through the night, I got so tired of tossing and turning and paying attention to every little sound, that I gave up and begged Shane to let me give in and turn on my precious fan.

I have heard so many different things about sleep when I have a newborn. How I should say goodbye to sleep, sleep when she sleeps, take naps during the day, get her on a routine so I can get myself on a routine, etc. But had someone told me the kind of sleep I'd be getting (or should I say not getting) at this point in the pregnancy, I wouldn't have believed them. I believed they were right and for the last few weeks I'd be super uncomfortable trying to sleep, but it's not that simple. I toss and turn allllll night long. And I find myself soaked in pools of sweat, even if it's 40 degrees outside and the window is open. But what I wasn't prepared for, is I wake up every hour or so WIDE awake. Like I had just slept for days. Getting up with Shane at 6am after a night of no sleep is a piece of cake. And it's sooo frustrating! I've also heard, "Oh you'll be so sleep-deprived you'll be able to sleep through more than you can now." I call bluff on that one. Overtired is just as bad as not tired at all. I used to work nights, and even after 6 months of it, if I hadn't slept in days, it was still nearly impossible to lull myself to sleep.

I guess this is my body getting ready for baby girl's feedings. Regardless, I have maybe up to 3 more weeks to prepare for that! I want to get in all the sleep I possibly can until she gets here!!

So I guess this is me saying goodbye sleep, you will be and already are, missed.

Mopey Me

I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I am bored, exhausted, short of breath, fatigued, jealous, impatient, and hopeless.

So let's break this down... my boredom. I am so bored that my apartment has been spotless & organized for weeks. And honestly it's not even because I have been "nesting." I'm simply bored. My day goes exactly like this: Get up with Shane at 6am, make his lunch & coffee, feed the dogs, eat a yogurt and a glass of milk, empty the dishwasher, walk Shane out, check my email, climb in bed with the dogs, fight back tears for God knows what reason, play solitaire or watch about 15 minutes of Boy Meets World, talk to mom on the phone while she's on her way to work, force myself back to sleep til about 10am. Get up, take a shower, walk the dogs, take any outgoing mail to the mailbox, come back to the apt and clean some more (laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, anything I can find), eat a small lunch b/c I have no appetite lately, talk to Shane on his lunch break, check the mail at 2, walk the dogs, watch Ellen at 3, go on a walk with the dogs and Shane when he gets home around 6, eat dinner, load the dishwasher, go to bed (which does not mean sleep. It means toss & turn all night and get up every hour to pee.) My day might be a bit more exciting if I had some energy & gas money, but it is what it is.... c'est la vie.

I am exhausted and fatigued I guess because I'm not getting a good night's rest anymore. And when I probably could sleep, I stay up worrying about money all night long. Even sitting at the computer I catch my eyes closing and I have to lay my head on the desk for a minute to rest. It takes quite a lecture to get up and walk across the room.

I'm short of breath I guess because I am so uncomfortable and my back is all messed up from leaning back trying to overcompensate for my big belly.

I am jealous simply because all my girlfriends are having their babies. I know I'm not even due yet and I will have my turn but it really feels like it's never going to happen for me. For that exact reason I am impatient and hopeless.

Sweet baby girl,
Your room is ready, your car seat is installed, your clothes are all hung up and organized according to size, your bassinet is waiting empty by my bed, your baby showers are over, the hospital bag and diaper bag are packed, the apartment is pristine, the basic birth wishes are all written out, your lungs are mature enough to breathe on your own, and other than finances, we are ready for you. I am so ready for you. I want to watch you sleep, and hear your cry and squeaks, I want to see your daddy gaze at you, I want to try to get through labor without any pain meds, I want to feel needed by you, I want to nurse you and laugh at your gassy smiles. I want to look at you in amazement trying to let it sink in that your daddy and I created you. I want to show you off to family & friends and feel like I too, can do something awesome like have a healthy baby.
Your movements hurt now, but I'm trying so hard to remind myself that each roll and scrape along my belly means that you're ok.
I love you. Please don't take your time, and be nice to me when we're in labor.
-your incredibly anxious mommy

A lot on my mind.

-My rice cooker makes the apartment smell like pee.

-Summer is driving me insane. She can't go on a walk without constantly pulling like it's her job.

-My chocolate obsession is starting to dissipate. I think maybe because my acid reflux is getting better.

- Our fridge is BARE. If you can whip something up with a bunch of different condiments, you have a meal. Otherwise, you are S.O.L.

- My chiropractor is my hero. I haven't had sciatica since my first appointment there, which was almost a month ago!

- Gas money would be awesome. I have been saving the few drops of gas left in the car for in case I have to drive myself to the hospital.

- Shane and I need *one* more day trip together before baby M gets here. Doesn't look very likely.

- I neeeeed to clean out our closet.

- Makynzie, you are making me feel like my ribs are separating.

- I wish I had invented Magic Erasers. I'd be a millionaire.

- I can't wait for my next full night of sleep. Which I'm afraid will be a WHILE from now.

- I want a quesadilla.

- Buckwheat keeps walking up and putting his cold, wet nose up my arm pit. He probably needs to go out.

- Kynzie has enough bibs & socks for her whole life! (If she were to stay an infant, that is.)

- I can't wait til Shane gets home and we can go on our daily walk. It's so relaxing hearing all about his day, and his hopes and dreams for the future while enjoying this nice, sunny weather.

Like it or Hate it, but Leave me alone about it!

Yes, I am drinking small amounts of coffee while pregnant. I am enjoying some cold lunch meat on occasion. I am taking Tylenol and Zantac when I need it, because Lord knows I need it! You better believe I'm getting that epidural. I am going to try cloth diapers. Maybe instead of putting me down about it, you could say "good for you!" or "I hope it works out!" Something encouraging, which is not "Good luck...." or "Yea you will switch to disposable..." I will not be using hand sanitizer like it's going out of business. I will not be sterilizing every bottle and pacifier. I'm going to try to make her food myself. I plan to do so when she is 4-6 months old. I hope to start potty training her asap. I will let my dogs sniff her to check her out, and once she's a little older, lick her face. I will get her vaccinated, I may even have my chiropractor adjust her. I plan to put her in public school. I may or may not raise her in the church, however I will not tell her one religion is right until she is old enough to completely understand and make a decision for herself. I will not allow her to wear provocative clothing or experiment with drugs. I will let her get muddy & messy if she is having fun. I will let her cry it out if that's best for her. I may or may not spank her when she disobeys. These are all MY decisions for MY child. You can make the same, or different decisions, for YOUR child. And I will respect that, and keep my mouth shut because it is none of my business.

Having said all that, I will love my daughter. I will show her that she can always trust me and come to me with any problem she is having. I will allow her to be angry. I will show her right from wrong and give her the opportunity to choose one or the other. I will be a good example to her, and provide a good example of what marriage should be. I will give her the best advice I know to give her, and not judge her when she makes the wrong decision. I will love her unconditionally. I will offer support and a shoulder to cry on. I will cry when she chooses her friends over family. My heart will break when her's does. She will never have any doubt in her mind that her mother loves her.

So you tell me... which of these is most important??

Forgive my Whining

I am SO ready to get this child out of me. But at the same time, I want to pretend I enjoy it so that I'll want to get pregnant again someday. :) I am so anxious now. With only 5 weeks left (could be up to 7. ughhh) I am finding myself getting incredibly impatient. I wake up a few times in the night (usually to pee) and find myself glancing over at the bassinet wishing she was in it so I could watch her sleep and cry over how beautiful she is. AT LEAST once a day I tell Shane I wish she was here. I walk into her nursery and get butterflies. I even try to avoid reading the baby books because I know it will only cause me to grow more and more impatient. I'm trying to tell myself that my due date is actually March 26th in order to instill a little more patience in myself. I just know that once I'm 38 weeks, I'm going to walk, eat spicy food... everything I possibly can to meet her sooner.

Shane and I talk so much now about the hopes we have for her. Nothing can make this sweet child come soon enough.