I have spent the last year or so wishing I was someone else, wishing my circumstances were different, my choices were better, and frankly, that I'd find a thousand bucks. If I had a quarter for every time Shane and I have said "We need...." or "I want...." or, "Someday we will be able to afford....", I wouldn't be saying those things because I would be rolling in it. I'm so tired of money consuming my thought life, leaving me in tears wondering which bills we should pay on time and how we're going to afford an eye infection or clothes for Kynzie. Now, the intention of this post is not at all for sympathy. Our choices have gotten us here, and now we are digging ourselves out of this hole we have created. The first year of our relationship we lived in Shane's grandmother's summer house, paying no rent or utilities. We easily could have been saving hundreds a month. Instead that went toward going out, throwing parties, and getting wasted. We realize we were foolish, and now we have to pay for that. So what do you do when you're so tired of being the one friends offer to pay for, living paycheck to paycheck hoping that at some point you'll get a break, and being unable to save any because not a dime is left over after everything is paid off? I guess you keep on truckin... I'm tired of my fiance' leaving at 6 in the morning and coming home when Makynzie is going to bed. I'm tired of job hunting while my baby is taking her naps. I'm tired of turning friends down for going out even if it's simply driving somewhere because we don't have the gas money. I'm tired of looking around the apartment and trying to figure out what we can sell and do without. And I'm so so tired of crying with Shane and losing sleep over it.
Then I had a reality check. I know it's so cliche', but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" came on tv the other night and I found myself in tears. A family of 9 had just lost their dad to a sudden heart attack and I can't believe the condition of the home they were living in. Only one burner worked on the stove, there was water damage throughout the entire house, and kids were sleeping on the floor. Wow. I did a self-evaluation. Is my situation really that bad? Sure we struggle to pay rent at times, but for 13 months now, not a single bill has been late. So many times I have turned to Shane crying with less than a hundred bucks in the bank and said, "How are we going to make it til next Friday?" But we have. Time and time again, we have. With the help of family and friends, we are surviving and we have no reason not to be happy. We have a happy, healthy baby who adores us, a roof over our head, and food in our bellies every day. I have no idea how we make it each month, but we do and that's what matters. It's ok that we can't go out with our friends, it's ok that we have to look for food deals, and occassionally ask for an extension on a bill. Because that's where we're at right now. Shane is always saying "Katy it won't always be like this." And I have a really hard time believing that. But I need to have hope and believe that it won't. Being thankful is a conscious choice, and from here on out, that's what I am choosing.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Girl
To my #1 Fan,
It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Yourlittle big smiles melt my heart and dim everything else going on around me. You are so precious to me and I have never felt love like this. I would name off your favorite things, but there's only one- Mommy. We certainly have a bond that no one has been able to break. I often get irritated when you don't want any one else to hold you and when you see me from across the room and it's game over. But I shouldn't. I should cherish that. Because if you turn out to be anything like the teenager I was, you won't truly appreciate me again until you're in your twenties. I should consider it my reward. I am wanted and needed, and that's what everyone longs for in life.
I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.
The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.
Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)
I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy
It's true. You favor me over every one else. I have never felt so adored in my life. Your
I love when you give your huge smile and your nose crinkles, your fists come up to your mouth, and your chin goes down into your chest. It's like you are so happy you can't help but scrunch up. When Daddy was holding you last night (the only other person you will let hold you), you spotted me from across the room, and got so excited you smiled and your whole body started flailing. I will never forget that. I am so bad at taking pictures, I need to get better or I will regret it.
The first 8 weeks of your life I regretted you. I felt like I was drowning, trapped, buried alive. You constantly screamed and never slept. I loved you, but I didn't like being your mommy. That's not at all the case now. You are hardly ever upset. In fact, the ONLY time you get upset is when you are tired, and it's obvious. You are a happy, healthy! baby. And I'm so thankful for that. You haven't had blood in a single dirty diaper in a week. The answer was you are highly allergic to milk. Which is so hard for me, but so worth it.
Well I gotta cut this short, you just woke up from your good nap. :)
I love you gorgeous girl,
Your admirer and mommy
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thangs I've Larn'd
Things I've Learned About Myself:
-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)
- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?
-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.
- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.
- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!
.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.
-I am the worst listener ever. Well ok, not EVER, my brother Dan is somehow ten times worse than I am and he will tell you that himself. But I am awful. Shane's biggest pet peeve is when I text instead of listening to him.... I really need to work on that... But the worst thing about it is not that I'm not listening, it's that I will respond and trick you to make you think I am. "Uh-huh.... Yea... Really?... I'm not sure..." Dan does the same thing :) He uses filler words and buys himself more time to answer like "So what you're saying is..... Mm-hmm.... Ok...." We need to work on this Dan, we piss people off. :)
- I am a control freak. Which can often be misdiagnosed as OCD. I want things my way. Which let me tell you is NOT healthy for a relationship. Thank God I have a laid-back, "softy" fiance' or else we would have killed each other by now. Examples: In Katy's world- the toothbrush goes back in the drawer immediately after use, my windshield wipers are down when the car is turned off, my shower cap (yes I use a shower cap. Don't judge.) hangs on the dial at all times, the doors are locked right after we walk in (I'm getting better on this one), my phone logs are deleted as quickly as they come in.... you get the idea. Ok so maybe it's a OCD/Control freak combo. But the first step is realizing you have a problem right?
-I love to hate Oprah and Rachael Ray. Could they be more transparent?? They are so fake! And I love the boo-hoos about Oprah's show coming to an end when she's getting an ENTIRE CHANNEL. I could go on and on about this but you all are probably disagreeing with me.
- On the other hand, I LOVE Ellen Degeneres. I look forward to her show. So much so that I have a reminder on my phone for it every day. She is HILARIOUS and so giving. You can tell that when she helps people, she isn't just doing it for the credit. Don't get all "But she's gay..." on me. So what?! You should be ashamed of yourself. She's so great I would love to be half the person she is. See, I'm serious about lovin me some Ellen.
- My dream of being a mommy is drastically different than I thought it would be. I knew it would be tough, but not quite like this. When I was a nanny to the twins, I remember saying "One will seem like a piece of cake." Wrong. I care about her SO much more, and therefore her cry affects me significantly more than the twins. The saying, "Being a mom means your heart is walking around outside your body" is SO true!
.....Speaking of which, my daughter just woke up in the crib which is apparently the worst thing that could ever happen to her judging by her cry.... More later.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Marriage Quiz (in my case we will call it a "Almost-married Quiz")
1. What are your middle names? Earl and Claire. Our parents don't love us.
2. How long have you been together? 2 years
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years
4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me
5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine
6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.
7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix
8. Did you go to the same school? yep
9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.
10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!
12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.
13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.
14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.
15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.
17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair
18. Who hogs the bed? Me again
19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.
20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"
21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.
22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all
23. Who eats more? Me
24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.
25. Who does the laundry? Me.
26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane
27. Who drives when you are together? Shane
28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together
29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)
31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us
32. Who eats more sweets? Shane
33. Who is more adventurous? Me
34. Who is more romantic? both of us
35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"
36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between
2. How long have you been together? 2 years
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? 7 years
4. Who asked who out? Shane asked me
5. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine
6. Do you have any children together? yep. Kynzie Jude.
7. What about pets? a chocolate lab and a black lab/golden retriever mix
8. Did you go to the same school? yep
9. Who is the most sensitive? Me. Hands down.
10. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Kobe Hibachi & Sushi and Chen Garden
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Florida. ha!
12. Who has the craziest exes? Again- me. Hands down.
13. Who has the worst temper? oh my.... that's a tie.... but if I had to choose- me.
14. Who does the cooking? Me but Shane likes to cook more than I do.
15. Who is more social? Definitely Shane. Used to be both of us but I have become a hermit.
17. Who is the most stubborn? Me by a hair
18. Who hogs the bed? Me again
19. Who wakes up earlier? Shane if he has to work, if not- me.
20. Where was your first date? at Shane's BBQ Shack... he told me he was taking me to "his restaurant"
21. Do you get flowers often? nope. take notes here, Shane.
22. How long did it take to get serious? Not long at all
23. Who eats more? Me
24. Who sings better? I think that's a tie but I have yet to let him hear my real singing voice.
25. Who does the laundry? Me.
26. Who’s better with the computer? Shane
27. Who drives when you are together? Shane
28. Who picks where you go to dinner? We pick together
29. Who wears the pants? like he always says: he wears the pants but i tell him which pants to wear :)
31. Who has the better sense of humor? both of us
32. Who eats more sweets? Shane
33. Who is more adventurous? Me
34. Who is more romantic? both of us
35. Who usually wins in a fight? Shane always apologizes first. nobody really "wins"
36. What is your favorite "date" activity? any date is a good date! they are few and far between
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)