I think one of the biggest things women struggle with is envy. I will be the first to admit that I do. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. That jealous jerk that lives in your head and is constantly starting each thought with "I wish I had..." or "If I was more like her..." Yep see, now you know what I mean and you can totally relate. Do [straight] guys think these things? Probably not in the same way. I doubt they look at other guys' shoes and say "Oh man if I only had his shoes..." I know Shane will be the first to tell you that he often thinks, "Man I wish we had more money so we could have a house like (insert name here)" but it's just not quite the same.
If I had a quarter for every time I decided I wanted something or to change my personality to be more like (again insert name here), I would be filthy rich. I constantly find myself doing this lately and it's always when we're hurting for money. If we really went green with envy, I would be the truest, nastiest green you can imagine. Allow me to get this all out and bid it adieu. I want nicer shoes, enough clothes so I don't have to wear the same thing twice a week, a nicer car that has awesome air conditioning, some kind of toy or furniture for my daughter that we don't have to give back to whoever loaned it to us, lots of food to fill our pantry so I don't have to ask Shane things like, "What can we make with peanut butter, ketchup, rice, and spaghetti noodles?" (Yes, "barf" is right.)
But that's not the worst of it. It's much more of a problem when this jealous jerk attacks my desire for personality changes. I want to be funny like her, more social like her, a better cook like her, domestic like her, creative like her, etc etc etc. I'm drowning in these thoughts. Granted, I always catch myself thinking these things and say to myself, "Nope. Tonight I'm me." But somehow Jealous Jerk always creeps back in.
Please join me in trying to accept ourselves. Not just accepting but LIKING who we are. I can bet that the people we are trying to be more like are doing the exact same thing and wish they were more like someone else. We all have our insecurities, but we won't truly be happy until we look these insecurities straight in the eye and tell them to shove it.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
4 Hour Coma
I want a nap. Like a real one. Not one where I'm worried about my daughter and wake up every hour. I want a real 4 hour nap where I'm sleeping so deep I may as well be in a coma.
This week has sucked some major big toes. Maybe 2 weeks ago, I had my first "BAD" day in a while. I was taking the trash to the dumpster, and thought the diaper dekor bag was tied tight enough. You see where this is going?? My child was having a I-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it moment screaming in the car seat as I unloaded the diapers. As I was pulling it out of the car, the end opened and TONS of diapers spilled out onto the road. Kynz had a bad diaper rash, so we were using disposables day & night at this time, so there were even more than usual! As I bent over and picked them up off the road, I went to stand up and suh-lammed my head on the car door knocking me over in front of everyone at our apartment leasing office. Awesome. The day only got worse.
However, yesterday was pretty odd. Wednesday night we had Shane's redneck birthday at my parents' house which is 30 minutes from our's. (Our apartment is currently packed in boxes.) and we ended up staying the night there because we didn't feel like waking our sleeping baby and heading home at 11pm. I had scheduled a 9:40 appointment for Makynzie because she had symptoms of an ear infection. I set my alarm for 8am and totally forgot to tell my phone "Yes, I'd like to set my alarm to (ON)". I needed to leave my mom's at 8:30 so I could run the dogs home (30 minutes away) and then take Makynz to her appointment (15 minutes away). Needless to say, my alarm didn't go off. I woke up at 8:20 and Kynzie was STILL sleeping (NEVER happens until we have to be somewhere early.) I quickly packed the car, hoped the dogs didn't have to pee, and headed home. I got to her appointment 10 minutes late but they usually make us wait for 354578654786 minutes after her appointment time so I didn't feel too bad about being late for the first time ever. After 45 minutes of trying to keep my child calm, the doctor came in and diagnosed her with an ear infection, and said that babies who get them before 6 months are prone to get many of them. SUPER. In order to diagnose her, he had to get the wax out of her ears to see in them better. He may as well have been slapping her in the face. She was giving out the exact same scream she did when she got her shots. (Yes I am a horrible, awful mother who has chosen to vaccinate her child.) As soon as he said I could soothe her I swooped in and held her against my chest and put my cheek to her's. Somewhere amongst her sweet whimpers, she fell asleep on my chest and even stayed asleep as I transferred her into the car seat. Ughhh I love her so much.
SoI got home after Makynzie's appointment and laid her down for a nap. Baby girl KNOCKED OUT. An hour and a half into her nap I decided I'd lay down to take a nap too. I didn't bother setting an alarm because I needed to get up for MY doctor appointment in an hour and a half and she never takes naps longer than 2.5 hours so I'd be good and get up in plenty of time to feed her, change her, and take the dogs out to pee. Shane called and woke me up. Thank God he did because Makynzie hadn't woken up yet and I had to be at the doctor in 20 minutes!! Oh crap. So I jumped up, got her from the crib, and looked for my keys. Crap again. Where are my keys?? I looked EVERYwhere. I finally decided I had locked them in the car for the first time and Shane was going to kill me. So I started calling the doctor's office to cancel my appointment. As I was calling I realized I hadn't checked the key rack. Keyword: KEY rack. (No pun intended there.) And lo and behold, there my keys hung, laughing at me. I called the doctor's office and told them I would be late. However they neglected to answer the phone so I left a voicemail frantically that went something like this, "Ummmm hi! This is Kaitlyn Baehr...... I am running late..... Get in the RIGHT lane if you're gonna go slow buddy!!.... Oh yea, This is Kaitlyn Baehr.... I'll be there like 10 minutes late.... Please don't give me a fee...... Kynzie it's ok we're almost there baby.... Oh yeah, Ok bye." I got there and signed in and sat down. The nurse came out into the waiting room. "Makynzie?" Well that's cool someone else here is named Makynzie too. "Makynzie??" Looking around the room I realized there was no one else in the room. Ugh. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I signed my daughter in instead of myself!" Nice huh. And now today is starting off with NO sleep, Kynz kept me up allllll night long. And I am being harassed by someone on Craigslist who will NOT STOP EMAILING ME. GO AWAY!!! I am not a C word, I am not over 200 pounds, my TV is in excellent condition, No my house is not a "pig pen"...... just GO AWAY.
I need a 4 hour coma.
This week has sucked some major big toes. Maybe 2 weeks ago, I had my first "BAD" day in a while. I was taking the trash to the dumpster, and thought the diaper dekor bag was tied tight enough. You see where this is going?? My child was having a I-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it moment screaming in the car seat as I unloaded the diapers. As I was pulling it out of the car, the end opened and TONS of diapers spilled out onto the road. Kynz had a bad diaper rash, so we were using disposables day & night at this time, so there were even more than usual! As I bent over and picked them up off the road, I went to stand up and suh-lammed my head on the car door knocking me over in front of everyone at our apartment leasing office. Awesome. The day only got worse.
However, yesterday was pretty odd. Wednesday night we had Shane's redneck birthday at my parents' house which is 30 minutes from our's. (Our apartment is currently packed in boxes.) and we ended up staying the night there because we didn't feel like waking our sleeping baby and heading home at 11pm. I had scheduled a 9:40 appointment for Makynzie because she had symptoms of an ear infection. I set my alarm for 8am and totally forgot to tell my phone "Yes, I'd like to set my alarm to (ON)". I needed to leave my mom's at 8:30 so I could run the dogs home (30 minutes away) and then take Makynz to her appointment (15 minutes away). Needless to say, my alarm didn't go off. I woke up at 8:20 and Kynzie was STILL sleeping (NEVER happens until we have to be somewhere early.) I quickly packed the car, hoped the dogs didn't have to pee, and headed home. I got to her appointment 10 minutes late but they usually make us wait for 354578654786 minutes after her appointment time so I didn't feel too bad about being late for the first time ever. After 45 minutes of trying to keep my child calm, the doctor came in and diagnosed her with an ear infection, and said that babies who get them before 6 months are prone to get many of them. SUPER. In order to diagnose her, he had to get the wax out of her ears to see in them better. He may as well have been slapping her in the face. She was giving out the exact same scream she did when she got her shots. (Yes I am a horrible, awful mother who has chosen to vaccinate her child.) As soon as he said I could soothe her I swooped in and held her against my chest and put my cheek to her's. Somewhere amongst her sweet whimpers, she fell asleep on my chest and even stayed asleep as I transferred her into the car seat. Ughhh I love her so much.
SoI got home after Makynzie's appointment and laid her down for a nap. Baby girl KNOCKED OUT. An hour and a half into her nap I decided I'd lay down to take a nap too. I didn't bother setting an alarm because I needed to get up for MY doctor appointment in an hour and a half and she never takes naps longer than 2.5 hours so I'd be good and get up in plenty of time to feed her, change her, and take the dogs out to pee. Shane called and woke me up. Thank God he did because Makynzie hadn't woken up yet and I had to be at the doctor in 20 minutes!! Oh crap. So I jumped up, got her from the crib, and looked for my keys. Crap again. Where are my keys?? I looked EVERYwhere. I finally decided I had locked them in the car for the first time and Shane was going to kill me. So I started calling the doctor's office to cancel my appointment. As I was calling I realized I hadn't checked the key rack. Keyword: KEY rack. (No pun intended there.) And lo and behold, there my keys hung, laughing at me. I called the doctor's office and told them I would be late. However they neglected to answer the phone so I left a voicemail frantically that went something like this, "Ummmm hi! This is Kaitlyn Baehr...... I am running late..... Get in the RIGHT lane if you're gonna go slow buddy!!.... Oh yea, This is Kaitlyn Baehr.... I'll be there like 10 minutes late.... Please don't give me a fee...... Kynzie it's ok we're almost there baby.... Oh yeah, Ok bye." I got there and signed in and sat down. The nurse came out into the waiting room. "Makynzie?" Well that's cool someone else here is named Makynzie too. "Makynzie??" Looking around the room I realized there was no one else in the room. Ugh. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I signed my daughter in instead of myself!" Nice huh. And now today is starting off with NO sleep, Kynz kept me up allllll night long. And I am being harassed by someone on Craigslist who will NOT STOP EMAILING ME. GO AWAY!!! I am not a C word, I am not over 200 pounds, my TV is in excellent condition, No my house is not a "pig pen"...... just GO AWAY.
I need a 4 hour coma.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
A Love as Deep as This
My Kynzie Girl,
I should be folding laundry right now.... but I have the rest of my life to do laundry. I'm trying very hard as I raise you to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each minute with you every single day. Everything else can wait, and my whole world dims when I embrace a moment with you. I am overwhelmed with love for you right now. I thought I fully understood love before you came along, but it turns out I had no idea what an unconditional, deep, painful love was. It's official. I am crazy about you and I can't get enough of you. I put you down for a nap or bed, and 10 minutes later I just want to watch you sleep or wake you up to talk to you and show you new things. When I met you I instantly loved you, but it was nothing like this. I loved you at first I think just because I was supposed to. I didn't know you. For a while you were just like any other baby to me. But now I have learned you. I know what makes you mad, what makes you smile, and what interests you. Yourlittle big personality is really starting to come out and the love I have for you is seriously hurting me. It hurts horribly to love someone this much and I have never known that feeling before. Whenever I think of you growing up I find myself crying hysterically. Some day a boy will break your heart, a "friend" will make fun of you, you will move away, and there will be times you don't like me. This kills me.
I am learning so much about you. When you cry, you are tired or want Mommy. You still won't let any one else hold you (sometimes Grandma and Jordan :)) but that's ok. You hate going to sleep because you don't want to miss a thing. You LOVE hugs and eating. :-) You would eat all day long if I let you. You get so excited over the smallest things and it reminds me to stop and take a breath in those busy days. You have shown me how strong I am, and also my weak points. You have taught me what tough love is, how to be selfless, and that it's ok if I'm not always in control of everything.
I will ALWAYS be here for you. I will support you in every decision you ever make, even if I don't agree with it. And I will always make the best decisions I possibly can for you. I will be your friend when you need one, I will listen to your problems, and hold you when a stupid boy breaks your heart. I will tell you I love you a million times a day. I will give you the best advice and answers I can, and I promise to be honest and say "I don't know", when I don't. I will ask you how your day was, and truly care about the answer.
Not only do I love you, I also like you. You are so smart, sweet, and beautiful. Don't ever forget how much I love you, because I will never stop loving you.
Mommy
I should be folding laundry right now.... but I have the rest of my life to do laundry. I'm trying very hard as I raise you to stop and smell the roses and enjoy each minute with you every single day. Everything else can wait, and my whole world dims when I embrace a moment with you. I am overwhelmed with love for you right now. I thought I fully understood love before you came along, but it turns out I had no idea what an unconditional, deep, painful love was. It's official. I am crazy about you and I can't get enough of you. I put you down for a nap or bed, and 10 minutes later I just want to watch you sleep or wake you up to talk to you and show you new things. When I met you I instantly loved you, but it was nothing like this. I loved you at first I think just because I was supposed to. I didn't know you. For a while you were just like any other baby to me. But now I have learned you. I know what makes you mad, what makes you smile, and what interests you. Your
I am learning so much about you. When you cry, you are tired or want Mommy. You still won't let any one else hold you (sometimes Grandma and Jordan :)) but that's ok. You hate going to sleep because you don't want to miss a thing. You LOVE hugs and eating. :-) You would eat all day long if I let you. You get so excited over the smallest things and it reminds me to stop and take a breath in those busy days. You have shown me how strong I am, and also my weak points. You have taught me what tough love is, how to be selfless, and that it's ok if I'm not always in control of everything.
I will ALWAYS be here for you. I will support you in every decision you ever make, even if I don't agree with it. And I will always make the best decisions I possibly can for you. I will be your friend when you need one, I will listen to your problems, and hold you when a stupid boy breaks your heart. I will tell you I love you a million times a day. I will give you the best advice and answers I can, and I promise to be honest and say "I don't know", when I don't. I will ask you how your day was, and truly care about the answer.
Not only do I love you, I also like you. You are so smart, sweet, and beautiful. Don't ever forget how much I love you, because I will never stop loving you.
Mommy
Friday, July 15, 2011
Inside The Mind Of The Overwhelmed
Let's see if Shane's piece of crap laptop will stay cool enough for ten minutes and refrain from freezing so I can update this thing.
Holy August. Next month will introduce a new job and a new apartment. New apartment= yay!!! New job= ohmygoshwhatifidontgivemydaughterenoughoneononetime..... I watched Colin, now 8 weeks old for the first time yesterday. "This will be so easy" I thought. "I nannied twins infants for 10 months, Kynzie is super easy to take care of, I have permission to let Colin cry it out, piece of cake." Ok maybe some of that holds water... However, a new realization came to mind as my daughter was in the crib crying and Colin was in my arms screaming, refusing a bottle. Am I robbing my child of the one-on-one attention she needs? Will she know that no one, NO ONE, can ever take her place, including this new baby I am cheating on her with? Shane walked in the door at that time and before even a sweet hello, I said "Do you want to console Kynz or hold Colin?" Ha! Poor guy. Thank God he loves babies. He was so quick to go soothe Kynzie and then get Colin settled for me. Then this morning I had a good thought. Is it good for Kynz to consume every bit of my attention throughout the day? No. Is it selfish for moms to have a second child and share their time with the two kids? No. In fact, if Shane has it his way, I will be pregnant again when Makynzie turns one. afkjaskjgsfgkljg. oh my geez. Granted I will only be watching both bambinos for 3.5 days a week, the rest of the days I am solely Kynzie's. So I am excited. I am thankful for more income and the chance to be a positive impact in these sweet babies' lives and the opportunity to give my child a friend while she is so young. This will be good for her.....? Excuse the question mark, I meant, this will be good for her.
On another note, we are moving into a bigger, nicer, THREE bedroom apartment!! Woohoo! And the famous Cassie & Drew Jackson will be our neighbors and canbabysit come hang out with us more often! ;-) They are the cat's meow.
Last but not least, I am so incredibly, ridiculously, immensely terrified of my wedding day. I'm not even thinking "What Ifs". For example, "what if I trip", "what if my dad steps on my dress", "what if I have to pee" have not even entered my mind. Well, I guess they have now.... SUPER. It's more or less, "Oh my gosh, everyone's going to be looking at me... just ME, 100+ people just staring at me...." I haaaaaate being the center of attention. Thank God Shane lives for it. If you know me, I am shy until I get to know you and then I'm really outgoing, but I don't do well under pressure. I am excited about how fun our wedding will be. I am looking forward to the dancing, and I really hope Shane and I's sense of humor comes out through our choice in music, words, and actions on this day. We have truly put our we-can't-be-serious-to-save-our-lives touch on this wedding, and I want everyone to have a good time. I keep saying I hope our guests have fun, laugh, are comfortable, etc etc and Shane has to keep reminding me that this is OUR day. Who cares what everyone else thinks?? Well, I do. So even if my wedding sucks, you better lie to me and say it couldn't have been better. I'll leave you with that threat..... :)
Holy August. Next month will introduce a new job and a new apartment. New apartment= yay!!! New job= ohmygoshwhatifidontgivemydaughterenoughoneononetime..... I watched Colin, now 8 weeks old for the first time yesterday. "This will be so easy" I thought. "I nannied twins infants for 10 months, Kynzie is super easy to take care of, I have permission to let Colin cry it out, piece of cake." Ok maybe some of that holds water... However, a new realization came to mind as my daughter was in the crib crying and Colin was in my arms screaming, refusing a bottle. Am I robbing my child of the one-on-one attention she needs? Will she know that no one, NO ONE, can ever take her place, including this new baby I am cheating on her with? Shane walked in the door at that time and before even a sweet hello, I said "Do you want to console Kynz or hold Colin?" Ha! Poor guy. Thank God he loves babies. He was so quick to go soothe Kynzie and then get Colin settled for me. Then this morning I had a good thought. Is it good for Kynz to consume every bit of my attention throughout the day? No. Is it selfish for moms to have a second child and share their time with the two kids? No. In fact, if Shane has it his way, I will be pregnant again when Makynzie turns one. afkjaskjgsfgkljg. oh my geez. Granted I will only be watching both bambinos for 3.5 days a week, the rest of the days I am solely Kynzie's. So I am excited. I am thankful for more income and the chance to be a positive impact in these sweet babies' lives and the opportunity to give my child a friend while she is so young. This will be good for her.....? Excuse the question mark, I meant, this will be good for her.
On another note, we are moving into a bigger, nicer, THREE bedroom apartment!! Woohoo! And the famous Cassie & Drew Jackson will be our neighbors and can
Last but not least, I am so incredibly, ridiculously, immensely terrified of my wedding day. I'm not even thinking "What Ifs". For example, "what if I trip", "what if my dad steps on my dress", "what if I have to pee" have not even entered my mind. Well, I guess they have now.... SUPER. It's more or less, "Oh my gosh, everyone's going to be looking at me... just ME, 100+ people just staring at me...." I haaaaaate being the center of attention. Thank God Shane lives for it. If you know me, I am shy until I get to know you and then I'm really outgoing, but I don't do well under pressure. I am excited about how fun our wedding will be. I am looking forward to the dancing, and I really hope Shane and I's sense of humor comes out through our choice in music, words, and actions on this day. We have truly put our we-can't-be-serious-to-save-our-lives touch on this wedding, and I want everyone to have a good time. I keep saying I hope our guests have fun, laugh, are comfortable, etc etc and Shane has to keep reminding me that this is OUR day. Who cares what everyone else thinks?? Well, I do. So even if my wedding sucks, you better lie to me and say it couldn't have been better. I'll leave you with that threat..... :)
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